Marriage--Why are so many people unhappy?

[Tiggsherby]

I love the below song and it frequently runs through my head.

Many on this board have gone through divorces and nasty

break-ups. For those who HAVE NOT, what is your secret? For those who HAVE split up, could you have done anything differently or is it just inevitable, in this day and age, that you just can't expect to stay in the same relationship your entire life?

Obviously, I'm struggling these days....and you guys are cheaper than therapy!

___________________________________________________________

"What's Forever For"

I've been looking at people

And how they change with the times

And lately all I've been seeing are people

Throwing love away and losing their minds

Or maybe it's me that's gone crazy

'Cause I can't understand why

All these people keep hurting each other

When good love is so hard to come by

So what's the glory in leaving

Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore

And if love never lasts forever

Tell me what's forever for

I've been listening to people

And they say love is the key

And it's not my way to let them lead me astray

It's only that I want to believe

But I see love-hungry people

Trying their best to survive

While in their hands is a dying romance

And they're not even trying to keep it alive

So what's the glory in leaving

Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore

And if love never lasts forever

Tell me what's forever for

[angelina]

IMHO for me....it's knowing that my wife is worth competing for and "winning" each and every day. It's also knowing that I'm worth someone working hard to "win" me each and every day. When those efforts become a joy, even when they suck, it'll last forever.

Of course my first wife thinks I'm a complete a-hole..so what do i know?

Keep your chin up....and start with knowing you're worth the effort!

[Rich From PA]

Harry:

My wife, Olga and I have been married almost 28 years. Here's what I find works for us.

For one thing, and I know it's a cliche, but don't sweat the small stuff. There are probably a dozen things that happen in a single day that could start an argument if you let them. Just don't let them. See them for the petty crap that they are and move on.

Another thing that is essential is a shared sense of humor. It's real hard to argue when you can still make each other laugh even when times aren't so good.

Treat your wife like your girlfriend. Remember how much attention you paid her when you were dating. Make an effort. Trust me it will be appreciated and returned.

It also helps if you feel like the luckiest guy in the world because she's still there on the pillow next to you.

I'm a songwriter and, to this day, she is still the inspiration for all my love songs.

That's what works for me. Hope some of it was helpful.

Rich

[missm]

Harry - I have been married for 25 years and have found that what helps is that we both take our vows very seriously. We agreed to be together for better or worse, etc. Then there is also the fact that we invoked God while taking the vows. So I guess the reason we are still together is FEAR!!

I kid, i kid. Marriage is what you make of it. If you make it bad, it will be bad. So forth and so on. People are unhappy, married or not, because sometimes and in some situations people are unhappy. Happiness is a destination and a choice.

[Muzza]

Harry. Not a lot to add probably but being best friends first works for Marilyn and I. Of course we love each other very much, but being friends is something that keeps us going through thick and thin.

Hang in there and think about what you know works for you both. Marriage isn't a competition; it's a relationship that gives you a buzz when your partner gets some kudos or praise. I see too many couples vying with each other for attention and recognition and that is destructive in any relationship. Each needs to accept who they are and be thankful that each fills the gaps in the others life in a way that makes life together interesting and fun. Yep.. hard work sometimes but certainly worth the effort.

Muzza

[ira]

Harry...I'm struggling with the same issue.Here's my conflict in brief.

To quote Tevya in "Fiddler On The Roof"...

On the one hand..."Nice Jewish Boys Don't Leave Just Because They're Unhappy".

On the other hand..."Everyone Deserves A Little Happiness In Life".

To quote Rabbi Starr...

[Shelley]

Harry, I hope it works out for you, I've been with my hubby for 28 years, married to him for 27..what makes our marriage work is laughter...we are each others best friend, there is nothing we can't talk about, and we never go to bed angry at each other..we have had some very rocky roads during our time together, but we always got through them, you don't just have to love your mate...you have to like them too...people give up too easily, a good marriage is worth saving.

[Donna L]

Harry: I agree with your assessment completely of marriage. I have been married 33 years. Sense of humor and compromise are key.....

Have a nice day.

Donna L

[rockynrobyn1977]

Harry, I hope there is a happy outcome for you. I will be with my husband for 23 years on Feb.14th. I met him when I was 27 and he was 22. We have had our ups and downs the whole way. When you have kids, you get involved with that so much you forget how to be a couple. We also have a lot of interference from family that puts a strain on us. Now that our kid is about to leave the nest, we are spending more time together. We have to get used to each other again. It is not the same as was when we were giddy in love, but we do love each other. Like the others say, if you can still have a sense of humor and talk when things are calmer, you may be able to work through some of the issues. If there is a sliver of hope, don't give up. I don't think love dies, it changes.

Robin

[Guest Fresh]

My wife and I are married 25 years this year. There have been a few tough spots over the years, but we always resolve issues peacefully. When the girls hit 15 things got more difficult, but my wife and I are both very strong-willed and have very similar backgrounds and values, so we are on the same wavelength when it comes to rearing our kids.This is a major advantage.

I will be the first to admit that a successful marriage takes alot of work and sacrifice.Neither spouse can be too selfish or demanding. Don't ever treat your spouse like she's taken for granted..I tell her every day how important she is to me and the children, and I show thanks and appreciation for every little kind act she does for me. My wife always teases me by saying, "If anything happened to me, you'd have a new wife before my body is in the ground". The truth is that one marriage is quite enough and I honestly would never remarry if God-forbid something happened to my wife.I would, however,finally buy a Corvette!

[Reid C.]

Getting used to each other again. Right on the money, Robin. My wife and I have been married for twenty-three years and the luster has definitely worn away. For various reasons, the things we had in common changed and we gradually lost touch. We developed different interests and had some distractions that set us on different and diverging courses. She got in touch with her inner talents while I broke out of my shell and became far more social. In order to survive these current, stressful times, we find that working together is the only way to get through things. It is not an easy reunion, however. Things have changed dramatically and we are not the madly in love people we once were. Still, in spite of everything, we are working together again, not patching up the old relationship, but trying to forge a new one that better suites two very different people who still find that their love is well worth keeping alive.

[Kirk]

Great stuff here!

We've been married 31 years. One thing I would add- Be the person you would like to see your mate become. You might be surprised at their reaction. Good luck, Harry.

[darlene]

Harry, We've been married 24 years and were older when we got married. I was 38, Herman 36. It was a tough adjustment for two people "set in their ways," and we had some screaming matches in the beginning. We both took our vows very seriously, however, and realized that the only way to build something together is to accept each other, warts and all, and keep remembering why we got married in the first place.

Through the years, some tough events in life gave us rough patches, but we worked through them by remembering what a good person the other was and how we've been there for each other.

Always ask yourself, "who else is out there who would be better, when all is said and done and I REALLY know that person." The answer for both of us has been, "Nobody."

No matter who you marry, in the end, they're only human and have the same quirks, faults, stubborn ways and annoying habits as anyone else. And a look in the mirror is not always valid--we never see our own faults as others do. I always think, "If he's sometimes annoying or difficult to live with, I know I am too."

You have to like the person you marry as much as you love them. We all find out that living with ANYONE (including the hunk and the beauty queen) is much different than dating, because everyone is a bit different once you really know them. (As one male friend put it, "You can marry Miss America and she can be a bitch.")

But...if you like the person (and they haven't essentially changed), keep remembering why you married him/her in the first place.

--D

[Brian Mc Carthy]

One reason in my opinion is, that people drift apart as a result of thinking of their own needs first. It creates a strain on any relationship.

[Guest Fresh]

Another big factor...MONEY.

[LobsterLvr]

Harry,

Men marry for love.

Most women marry for other reasons.

I know it's a generalization, and will piss a lot of women off, but bear with with me.

When the 'other reasons' have either been addressed or become unachievable, there's nothing left for the relationship to hold on to.

I was married for 25years. I married for love. She married for other reasons. When the marriage hit hard times I worked my butt off to make it survive. All she had left was 'resentment'. There was no love on her part. And probably never was.

If the love was there to begin with with you and your wife, great! You've got that to build on. If not, well, maybe it's time to go your separate ways.

I re-married two years ago. Again, for love. Fortunately, she married for love too. Did she marry me for 'other reasons', too? You bet, but we've talked about them. And we will talk about them them till death do us part.

Dave

[missm]

A big factor today...completely unrealistic expectations! It seems that couples are seeking to "complete" each other. Guess what only you can complete you and vise-versa. Real Love is not even a consideration. Based on what I have seen it is either Real Lust or Real Infatuation. As for money being a factor, well I say this from experience. Money does not make anyone a better or more interesting person. Money does not give one character or a loving heart. Money DOES make life more comfortable. When my hubby and I married 25 years ago, we were both broke as a couple of jokes. So money was a non-item. Our expressed intent was to build a life "together". Yes, over the years we have had to deal with our share of well-meaning meddlers and some absolutey bizzare advice like - keep your money separate because you never know when you'll decide to leave. Don't tell each other everything. Well, we have only laughed at those two bits of advice (from family members). Since we share our lives, why not our funds and our hopes, dreams, fears and joys with each other. I've often told hubby over the years that I value him as my best friend and not so much as a husband. To me husbands are a dime a dozen, but a best friend is very hard to come by. He now undertands. Marriage is about sharing and being. As in sharing the load and being who you are and working toward being even better than you thought you could be.

[AnneG]

Harry,

Two things immediately popped to mind. I married my best friend, and we're a very good team. We've only been married 10 years, but I have never had to 'work' at the marriage, and I know he would say the same. Sure, we often may roll our eyes at each other, or have a few frustrations, but overall we enjoy being around each other.

I think my face still lights up when he enters the room. Sure, I love him, but beyond that, I respect and admire him. I often gently tease him, but I would never criticize him.

What's forever for? It's for building up, and not tearing down.

Anne

[missm]

Harry as long as you are listening to songs, here is a good one.It is chocked full of pretty good advice.

Build it up together and then it won't fall

Build a house for a heart that will stand through it all

[darlene]

Nice post, Anne. As usual, your beautiful and sound advice. :-)

Great song, MissM.

--D

[darlene]

Dave, I remember the anguish you went through "way back then," and I couldn't stand such a great and terrific guy being so sad. But, as you recall, I told you that something great would happen, because you were so terrific, and it turned out to be "just around the corner."

I'm SO thrilled for you! You've both found someone priceless, and I'm so happy for you!

PS Has it been TWO YEARS already???!!! Time flies when you're in love. :-)

--Love, Dar

[hollies65]

Who knows...every case is difference...none of the advice here would have saved my marriage...That's life.

[Guest Fresh]

You are correct, Steve. My college roommate was married for 18 years with 3 kids. He came home early one day because he was feeling ill and found his wife in bed with someone from their church! I don't know how you ever recover from that. They are divorced over 5 years now, and he refuses to get close to any women.

[ira]

Steve...I concur...Every case is different...My wife is a good woman...and still I wonder in the words of Peggy Lee and Leiber and Stoller..."Is That All There Is"?...

[hollies65]

Yep...you can try and try...and can still grow apart.