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HBO and Sex? How can that be? (True Blood )


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Love hurts

love scares

love wounds and mars…

You ain’t kidding, especially if you have a dang gum Vampire almost bite the life out of you…literally.

Has anyone else caught that macabre HBO series, “True Blood†besides me? Oh wait, I know Miss M has. She is the reason I drove down to the video store 15 minutes before closing time and rented all 5 videos. (Last time I did this was November when my niece told me to get Dexter. I did, I was frothing at the mouth. LOVE that series!) True Blood has 15 hours (give or take a few) of pure blood sucking bliss and a tad bit of “titillating†delight! If I do say so myself.

It seems most of these new series on the different cable channels are your typical “chick flicks.†Heavy with emotion, romance, chivalry and sex.

A lot of sex...like laced with TONS of sex.

Oh and Vampires.

Ok, Ok, basically the premise of this series is based on dead things. I mean, they ARE Vampires. Out of the closet Vampires. Don’t forget, Vamps are walking, talking, corpses! (Like, people who were wheeled into my Aunt’s funeral parlor feet first, but not yakking. Except for Mr. Yakavicius, but we found out he wasn’t a corpse. The man truly had one foot in the grave.) No breakfast after a late night tryst, no long walks in the park on a summer’s afternoon, no falling asleep in each other’s arms, unless it’s in his coffin. I mean, they’d be DEAD!

But----they are raring to go at anytime to do the "humpity dance!" So it seems...

Now, think about this logically…if they are deceased and you are “doing†them, I don’t care if they can “hit the ball right outta the park.†This is necrophilia, people! Ok, ewwwwwwwwww---grody!

Which begs the question…if you can have an updated – REALLY updated version of “Dark Shadowsâ€

(Barnabas Collins – the first daytime vampire, remember him?)

then do we really need to add all this “nookie†in the show? I mean, just the cast alone, has to be toned and hot to make it work. Seriously, do you wanna see average actors pretending to “do the deed†in front of the camera?

Uh, that would be NO.

Now, I personally don’t think there is one guy on there that I’d give a “Damn! That’s nice!†to, if he walked passed me in a room. In fact the last time I did that, said person literally became an “emotional†vampire and almost sucked the life out of me! So I got out the crucifix and got all, “Oh no you di'ent!†Buh, bye!

Hmph...But I digress...

So as I was saying, the guys…eh, so-so. The girls…some quite pretty. (in a non-lesbian way...of course)

Now truth be told, (like I wouldn’t tell ya the truth)…when these actors auditioned for their roles, they most likely were asked, told to remove their clothes at sometime during their interview. “Why?†you ask. Well, let me tell you. Because honest to Pete (once again, who the hell is PETE?) I have never seen so much flesh on flesh in my life on a cable channel that didn’t have a bunny with a bow tie for its logo. The bods have to be---smokin’!

My hand to God, I had to rewind some of these scenes at least 3 times to make sure I wasn’t watching soft-core porn. (Not that yours truly here knows anything about that.) By the 5th rewind I came to the conclusion that if the actors hadn’t placed themselves in well orchestrated positions, it would have looked like they were actually “doin’ the nasty!†Then by the 6th rewind of each said “sexy†scene, I realized it was of course all for ratings purposes. Really. They needed those scenes to enhance those Nielsen’s. Sex sells – like this is news? OY!

I swear I’ve never seen nicer bodies on men than I did on the woman in any given movie or tv show. At this point, I’d like to send a shout out to the casting director for a keen eye and a big WORD! to his mother for giving birth to him. Remind me to send her a thank you card. Oh and a bouquet of roses. Those guys’ bodies are down right delectable! (nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!)

But really, every time one turns around on that show, one can guarantee someone is “nekkid†and about to get...lai---, ummm... “a little or a lot on the side†shall we say.

Now don’t get me wrong about throwing some “passion†into a show. Kinda gets the blood going sprinkling these scenes throughout an episode. For women, it’s like a Harlequin romance come to life on a flat screen.

Take the scene of our fair maiden “Sookie†all 26 and “virginal†deciding that now is the time to give herself to the man she loves. Bill – Bill the Vampire. You heard me; please don’t make me repeat myself. And it’s quite all right when she dresses in her chaste white flowing negligee that she bought on the way to Bible study. (Don’tcha know every Christian girl has that white gown tucked away just waiting for the right Vampire to come along? It’s in the “rule book.†Why mine is even circled with a heart next to it.)

As she runs down the steps, across her yard, through the cemetery on to Bill’s plantation, (seriously, did you think he was gonna be living in a trailer park?) Bill can “feel†her so much that he throws open his double doors, and is standing there all nasty and sweaty-looking, (ok, it is "Loozyana") like a man who knows what he’s going to get and brotha is about to score --- BIG TIME!

Then...they run to each other, embrace, and Bill picks Sookie up and carries her into his historic family home (once again, no double-wide here) only to lay her by the warm fire. (OMgosh, could you just die?! Très romantique!) And before you know it -Wham BAM thank you Ma'am Sookie – dude is “at it†and he be havin’ a mighty fine time...mighty fine!

Mercy! I think I’ve got the vapors!

Oh…and just then…"it" happens.

His fangs come-a pokin’ out of that 178 year old dental work (which FYI, looks pretty darn good for a Civil War veteran) and Sookie (who is now far from virginal) asks Bill to do what ever girl does, well… you know, upon her “first time.†She asks him to BITE HER – literally! I mean, not like she was commenting on how he sucked in bed…oh wait, he is going to suck in bed – literally! (don’tcha love the word LITERALLY?)

Ok, maybe it’s me but just the fact that losing her virginity most likely wasn’t a roller coaster ride in Hershey Park (gawd, I love MnM’s!), but on top of that, little sistah wants even MORE pain?


I say our little heroine is somewhat of a masochist. WORD! Mmmm…hmmmm.

Now how did I get talking about Sookie and Bill doing “all that and a bag a chips?†Oh yes! Casting! Dudes with hot bods. SEX! Which brings me back to my original question; do we really need all this "slap and tickle" in a show?

Damn straight!

Otherwise to me, this would be a typical CBS daytime Soap. Everybody’s life in an upheaval and that’s about it. Geesh, I see that everyday on The Young and the Restless.

At least with True Blood or any HBO/Showtime series (don’t get me started on The Tudors! YUM!) you get your taste of a daytime drama that pushes the edge. And we all know how we middle-aged women, love to be pushed to the edge. Try us…we like it! Cause no matter how we present ourselves…inside, we’re those hopeless romantics who want to be “innocently naughty†like the heroines in a romance novel. Or on HBO.

OOOOhhh...I can’t wait for tomorrow’s premiere of the new season. Who knows what it will delve into? The writer’s imaginations can go wild! But until then, I’ll have to resort to my old standby tonight---Dracula, 1979. Slurp! Frank Langella…take me away!

Hurt so good.

Come on baby, make it hurt so good.

Sometimes love don't feel like it should.

You make it hurt so good.

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OK - where did you get the picture with the Raspberry flavored vampiress?? I LOVE THAT!!!

So, as you can tell by my new avatar (thank YOU Bernie) I am seriously in love with True Blood. I read all of Charlaine Harris' books - I love the tongue in cheek metaphor of racism that her stories cover.

But, as my boss is very happy to point out to me (he's a psychiatrist) WOMEN ARE FASCINATED WITH VAMPIRES because of the penetration aspect of the vampire lifestyle - as so beautifully filmed by Alan Ball on HBO.

I have my t-shirt ready for tomorrow ("Peace, Love, Vampires" on the front, Trueblood on the back) go to HBO and play the Escape the Everyday sweepstakes and watch all the really funny commercials for services that cater to vampires.

Y'all make sure to watch tomorrow night now, ya hear?

Bless Your Heart.

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Annie: The photo has been altered. I extended the model's tooth to look like a fang.

Ted: I think at least for me it isn't about "Vampires." I think it's all about "fantasy." That's why romance books are geared towards women.

It seems these books and now shows all have the one element. A strong male figure-sometimes more than one. I think I can speak for many women when I say, no matter how independent and self confident a woman is, she still wants a stronger man. Not just physically but mentally. Someone who is secure...someone who takes charge. In and out of the bedroom.

Look, I’m no wilting flower, and can hold my own, but there is nothing like a man who just “has it!†And this is what these “chick flicks†usually are about.

Also, the heroine is always a strong woman, and always has that innocence about her, but when she gets with her man…she lets loose. She can be the vixen that he craves as well as the adorable angel he fell for. It just works.

This is why I think these shows are so popular. The woman watching it can place herself as the heroine. And now with the graphic sex scenes…women can watch it and justify that since it’s on HBO, why it isn’t porn at all. Call it what you like – this show and the Tudors (Showtime) really show and do more than I could ever imagine on TV or even on the big screen.

Robyn: I went and saw Twilight with my 17 year old niece, Katharyn (the love of my life!). Robert Pattinson was ummmm, yeah, very hot. I just wish he was older. I heard he was 23. That seems so young to me.

Some of my friends say, hey, if the guys can look at younger girls why can’t we look at younger guys? I say go for it...it’s just for me, he is too young – but he is yummy. My age limit stops at Joaquin Phoenix who is I think 13 years younger. At least he’d know what to do with me given the chance! LOL OMGosh, I am bad!

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Hi Wendy - Great review!!! Yes, there is a lot of "passion" on True Blood but it is somewhat central to the story lines. Bill is a dream (as is Vampire Eric Northman) and he always conducts himself as a gentleman. I am sure you know the story of vampires being turned relative to *3 bites. Bill is too much of a gentleman to "turn" Sookie on a whim, but waits for her to choose. So when she asked him to bite her, I saw it as an extension of having given herself to him completely. *Bill has already bitten her twice....just one more and she will be turned.

Yes, I have been a fan since its inception, but Frank Langella is the one who started it all for me back in the 1970s! Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee were just scary vamps..what with blood shot eyes and all. But Frank brought a certain sexiness, what with his tortured soul and sensitivity and all!

Well, Annie and Wendy there is nothing left to do now except to wait for tonight!!

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Yes, ladies...it is a woman thing and I totally remember seeing Frank langella in the movie theater in "Dracula." Sex, sex, sexy! Damn, that voice, those eyes.

I read the "twilight" series also - a lot of my adolescent female clients raved about it. Loved the first book and the third and fourth books. New Moon (second) not so much. But then again, the books are modeled after classic chick lit - the first one is after Pride and Prejudice.

Ahhhh... can't wait for tonight!! My newspaper actually reviewed the series and used the word "lackluster." I almost cancelled my subscription ;-)

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Frank Langella's pretty sexy, but forget Langella--I love Bela Lugosi in the title role! Now, those iridescent eyes, manic demeanor and sexiness, THAT'S a turn-on! If he approached me and said, "I vould love to bite your neck" I would even tilt my head for him. I adore him in those old films.


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