Cheer me up

[Julie]

Oh guys, my life just soooooo sucks right now. I always try to maintain a happy and positive outlook, but it's just getting harder and harder. I know there are people in this world that are much worse off than me. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that things eventually have to turn around, but, man oh man, things are really sucky right now.

As many of you know, my darling husband passed away unexpectedly 5 months ago. Six weeks later, my sweet brother-in-law followed him after a courageous 10 year battle with ALS. His funeral was held on my husband's birthday.

Since then, both of my parents have been in the hospital and they are just getting older and more fragile.

I got on some meds for depression after my husband died. The first one made me eat and cry and the second one made me eat, be crazy and want to die. The 3rd one made me so dizzy I couldn't function. I got fired from a job I loved. Now, my boss is fighting me for my unemployment. I won the first battle, but now she is appealing it and wants an "in-person" hearing. I am going to have to hire a lawyer at my own expence. (keep in mind that my husband was the bread winner making over twice what I do) Now I don't have a job and had to find my own health insurance. Thankfully, my husband did leave me a little insurance money, but it's really not that much and I'm having to live on it now.

I am blessed to have some wonderful friends from church and an awesome pastor. I love my family. I have 2 adorable kitties.

Oh how I miss my dear husband. He was my very dearest friend, my lover, my confidant, my closest companion in everything. I waited 45 years to meet him. I had lived with my mom and dad before I met him.

I'm so lonely and so sad. I wish I could just grieve over the loss of my darling James, but I have to spend endless time looking for another job and fighting to get unemployment, health insurance, plus I have to learn how to live on this farm all by myself. I don't know how to do a lot of stuff. I have to figure it out. I hate bugs and the farm is crawling with crickets this year. I know I'm just whining and having a big ol' pity party.

I am so jealous of everyone on here that has a "normal" life. I don't know if I'll ever feel "normal" again. I don't know how to manage money or the farm. I suck at paying the bills. I don't have the energy to do laundry, clean the house or do anything enjoyable.

I can no longer listen to Eric's music--it just makes me cry. We adored "I Was Born to Love You" and played it at our wedding dance. We danced to it this past Valentine's Day.

I met my sweet man 4 years ago yesterday. I just miss him so much. He was an incredible man who had overcome so much in his life. He was in prison from May of 1996 until August of 2003. He didn't see his children for years and years. But, he overcame all of his drug addictions and his worldly ways and accepted Christ in his life. He truely changed and he would hate to see me like this.

It does not honor his memory or his legacy for me to be like this right now. I just need encouragement so badly right now. I need to have some kind of sign that things will get better. Guess I need some of Darlene's magic lemonade. I hate that I am like this right now. It is not the person I was or the person I want to be. I know I am in a horrible transition.

Please, cheer me up. Slap me, kick me, tickle me, whatever. I just need to get out of this place I'm in.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Blessings,

Julie

[Poor4Life]

Julie,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through right now. I've also been battling depression for the last year, due to an illness caused by my job, then losing that job before I even went back. This all started in July of '07, and I'm still going through it.

I know my problems are miniscule compared to yours, but things will eventually get better, you've got to believe that. I keep telling myself that, and that's what's helping me get through all this right now.

Jeff

[TheScentLady]

Oh Julie, I'm so sorry you're going through such a bad time. You are going through two of life's biggest stressors at the same time -- the loss of a spouse & losing your job. Obviously you've seen a doctor for your depression. Unfortunately, with antidepressants it's trial and error. It can sometimes take a long time until they find the "right" one. Tom Petty hit the nail on the head when he sang "the waiting is the hardest part."

Have you looked into grief counseling/grief support groups? While my situation is very different from yours, I was absolutely devastated when our friends' ten year old daughter lost her battle with leukemia. (So that Julie's parents could spend their time and energy on being with Julie & taking care of their 2 other children,I was in charge of fundraising to help pay for medical costs that would not be covered by insurance.) One of the organizations I was researching at the time had grief counseling. I felt kind of silly calling them. I mean I wasn't a relative, but the holes in my heart & soul were so deep, I wasn't able to feel "normal." It was only a telephone consultation, but the person I spoke with was so compassionate. It was ENORMOUSLY helpful.

Hopefully your losing your job will turn out to be a good thing. It will be because there is a better job waiting for you right around the corner.

In the meantime, sending lots of cyberhugs your way.

Sue

[Muzza]

Julie..It's understandable for you to feel down so don't be too hard on yourself. Just know we all love you and are in our prayers.

Muzza and Kiwi

[Laura]

Julie-Know that I think about you and all your troubles every day. I agree with everyone in the trial and error of the medication for depression. If you can talk to a counselor it would help get a different perspective. I pray for you to find some happiness. Take care of yourself,please.

[darlene]

Laura gave wonderful advice. You're carrying around several huge burdens and you can't expect to do this alone. Your husband wouldn't want you to suffer like this. You were very precious to him and he would want you to take care of yourself.

I can understand that IWBTLY would make you sad. Raspberries and Eric music saw me through a sad time or two in my life. I always felt like if Eric weathered through the sadness he was singing about, I could also. And the music always made me feel better in that if there could be such beautiful music in the world, things weren't as bad as they seemed.

It's great that you have good church friends and a fine pastor. Be with them as much as possible for now and I'm sure things will start looking up.

You're in my prayers.

--Love, Darlene

[Kirk]

Julie, have you heard of a radio program called 'New Life Live'? It's on our local Christian station, but they are national. They have excellent advice and might have more resources than you local church. Their phone number is (800) 639-5433. Please give them a call. Let me know what happens. Kirk.

[MJ]

Julie - I do not believe any of us really have a normal life - we all have issues as well - just not quite as devastating as yours.... try to keep a smile on your face at least once a day - they say it really helps... if all else fails - put some scotch tape on your face to keep a grin on lol... (well I tried to make you laugh).... Things will get better I just know it.

[boopell]

Julie--Take it easy and do a little each day. You'll start to feel better if you feel like you're accomplishing something--no matter how small it may seem, it'll be a step forward. Most of all, take it easy on yourself. You're in a situation most people couldn't imagine and you need to allow yourself time to accept and heal. Most bosses don't understand that everyone deals with tragedy differently and there should be allowances made.

And MJ is right--we all have issues-loss,sadness,financial worries,etc... so we know, at least to some degree, how you're feeling. I don't think most people feel they have a normal life, though I understand what you mean.

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time and I pray for things to turn around for you.

[dianed]

Julie,

I personally don’t think that any type of depression medication will help you through your ordeal. I do believe that medication is helpful if you have a chemical imbalance, however, I don’t think it will be helpful in your case since you’re depressed due to your situation. There are no magic pills out there to make this any easier for you.

I agree with Sue that grief counseling may be a good idea. You’ll be with people who are experiencing the same type of fears and emotions and you can discover how some of them have learned to get some normalcy back in their lives as well as being self sufficient.

You may also want to consider a career change at some point. Perhaps going back to school would be a good idea. This could open up new doors for you as well as meet new people and form new friendships.

Trying to get back on your feet after what you’ve been through is very difficult, but you don’t have a choice. You’re the only one who can make it happen. I pray that God gives you the strength and insight that you need right now and that every once in a while he gets behind you to give you that little “push†when you feel like giving up. Once you put the right foot forward, the left foot has to follow.

Diane

[Jay52]

Julie..Diane's first paragraph in her post is the most important. Please remember those thoughts.

Keep tapping into your inner strength and know that things will get better. There is no doubt.

http://thegoodnessoflife.com

[Julie]

Thanks guys! This is what I need. Keep it comin'!

I am going to grief counciling--a new group just started in town--however--it is just once a month. I am having some regular counciling as well. I am currently off all meds, except I have some Xanax for anxiety attacks. I try not to take it. The other meds were just making me want to die and frankly, after 3 horrific experiences with meds, I was terrified to try anything else. My doc agrees that I am in much better control sans meds. I had 1 Xanax yesterday and really only need them on average once a week.

I was on a national radio Christian talk show several weeks ago--Intentional Living with Dr. Randy Carlson. Unfortunately, I was the last caller of the day and he zeroed in on the meds and didn't really give me an opportunity to talk about what I wanted to. Kirk--New Life Live does sound familiar to me--I will check into it later today.

A lot of my issues are situational. I live in a very rural area with limited resources. Thank God for the internet!

I am looking into schooling. I will probably do an on-line Excel class offered by our community college.

Grief is an unwelcome monster. It robs you of your energy and your ability to think clearly and rationally. It slithers around in your life just waiting to pop around the corner and give you a "jolt". It hides sometimes and makes you think it is going away only to re-enter your life with more fury then you thought possible. Your friends and family who have not experienced it have no idea what you are going through, and you pray every day that they never have to live through it. You wouldn't wish the unwelcome grief monster on your fiercest enemy.

I have gotten through the last five months with prayer, keeping busy, doing volunteer work, reading books, visiting grief websites, visiting family, going to the cemetery, thinking about happy times. I know James is in heaven and I know he is happy and content. That is a huge comfort to me.

Well, I need to get moving. I have to take some papers to the lawyers office for my unemployment hearing. (Thankfully, I have the best lawyer in town!) I won the first round easily, so don't really know why I am worried about round 2--other than it is "in-person".

I'll check in later. I know I am going to need support and reassurance.

Love and Blessings,

Julie

[hollies65]

Is moving to a less rural area an option?

[raspberrywolf]

Julie, first of all I am asking that *ALL* of the members surround you spiritually speaking and we are going to give you the biggest and best "group hug" ever!!! After that, I would like to tell you on a more personal one to one' level that I have known some dark dark places in life and although I know not of the pain and sorrow you are enduring, that I am definately empathetic! You've already made it this far Julie, after all that has happened, look at it from this point of view...you have already made it this far...you haven't given in or given up despite the fact, no doubt you have wanted too. *YOU* are already surviving...a survivor...a fighter and although you are discovering strengths you never knew or things about yourself you never wanted to know...none the less, you ARE moving *forward*. I want you to know that with all of us here, you are NOT alone...come here, pm, post , just come here, especially on moments of weakness...we are all 'family' and as you can see, we are a supportive one!

May God send his most gentle angels now to envelope you with comfort and shroud you in their strength.

God Bless, Julie

*Vera*

[chris hess]

great advice from everyone here!!! obviously,this is not gonna be easy,but you DO HAVE all of us and our support..the meds are probally just gonna "mask" your problems..keep praying,i'm not the most religeous person,but i do believe in prayer,faith,and spirituallity,so i'm praying for you to get some peace,and justice in your life..you will get thru this,god is testing u big time,hang in there,and know u have plenty of support here and uotside of here!!! lol,chris

[canadianchick]

Julie, you certainly have climbed your "share of mountains" in the last while....heres hoping that you have reached the peak and thing will get easier from here on in...anytime you need an ear...feel free to pm me... take care....Valorie

[Craig Benfer]

Julie, you will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. Daily!

[GMan]

Keep hanging in Julie....the tide will start to turn...keep telling yourself that. Have faith and try to stay positive. It will happen for you. However slow it may seem, keep on a steady path. We're all here for you.

[Bessieboo]

Julie,

I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things.

It is going to take some time to find the new life ahead of you, you are not going to get over your grief it will just be tamed a little, you will learn to live with the monster.

As bad as things look you know you are in God ultimate plan and he has something else waiting for you.

I will be praying for you

[AnniekNY]

Hey Julie - I think that the reason the meds didn't work is because you may not have a serotonin/norephinephrine imbalance. (dianed, you such a great docta!) Situational depression and isolation are a bad mix. See if you can volunteer in a place that that at least gets you out of the house for a few days a week.

Then see if you can find a lawyer who might want to work pro bono for a good cause.

i'll pray for you and i truly believe that every obstacle is put into our path to discover new things.

[raspberrywolf]

Hi Julie, just checking in and seeing how your hectic Friday went as I know you were meeting with your lawyer about the whole *rotten* appeal issue. I truly hope this will resolve itself in *YOUR* benefit once and for all.

*Vera*

[Julie]

Mornin' All,

Yesterday didn't turn out too bad. I have lost my voice because I did a big ol' honkin' frustration scream the other day. It felt good, but don't know if I'll ever get my voice back!

I dropped off papers at the lawyers yesterday. I meet with him Monday morning. Went to the unemployment office and found out if she wins the appeal I have to pay all the money back. Does that totally suck or what?! Why the heck do they give it to you if there is a chance you'll have to pay it back! It's already gone! Geez!

I made the bed this morning and went out and watered my flowers. Wish I could get my energy back.

It's not a terrible day though. I do have much to be thankful for. I am fortunate that I have such wonderful support!

Blessings,

Julie

PS--moving is not an option. I wouldn't know what to do in an urban area! Lol! Besides, I live here rent-free! That is something to really be happy about!

[Julie]

Oh, and Annie--I'm doing TONS of volunteer work! I do 3 days a week at the Senior Center, volunteer for the Welcome/Visitors Center, volunteer for the Chamber of Commerce, help out with a youth group at church, do computer work for an older couple at my church and I'm taking care of a neighbor's yard, kitties and plants until the end of September. (it takes 4 hours to mow the lawn with a rider! Big yard!)

Jules

[BEATNUT]

Hey Jules don't be afraid...the movement you need is on your shoulder....

OK, i'm gonna go out on a LIMB here...

Would it help you if you saw me Naked?

[chris hess]

dddooohhhh!! insert drum and cymbal crash here!!! lol,chris