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Asking a friend to leave


JuliaD

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My husband and I are in a tough situation, admittedly created by ourselves, but we did what we thought (and still think)was right at the time, so we accept responsibility for our decision.

We have a very good friend who lived in another state, a VERY pricey area of the country. He rented a room in a married couples house, something common for that area. The married couple lost their house because they weren't making the mortgage payments, and our friend lost his home, literally in a two week span, the sheriff came to "put them out" and take possession of the house. This was five years ago.

Our friend couldn't find a place he could afford and we suggested he move here, as living expenses are far cheaper here. He moved into our house, we have a spare room, and he pays us rent. He's a great guy, responsible and dependable, and he helps out around the house a lot.

This guys background has some kinks in it, his father abandoned them when he was three, and his mother doesn't seem to have a maternal bone in her body. She even moved to Spain without telling him she was moving!!! He's got some issues about "partings", he avoids them.

We consider him family, but we want our house back for ourselves. He's not a "problem" in any way, but he works midnight shift and sleeps all day, making it difficult for me to houseclean, play music, do crafts, or whatever, I don't want to make noise and wake him. My crafts room is next to his room, and I can't use it as I'd like to for fear of waking him. Yes, he tells me to "not worry about waking him", but I still feel he's a paying boarder, and I owe him some consideration.

My husband wants to use the room this guy rents as his own "space", a den if you will. Also, I hate leaving a clean kitchen, going to work, and finding dishes in the sink and/or on the stove when I come home. This guy does clean his messes, but he cleans them at his leisure, which sometimes doesn't sit well with me. But I don't consider it anything large enough to have words about it, the guy works all night, comes home after I've already left for work, makes himself something to eat, tires while sitting and eating, and goes to bed thinking "I'll clean it up later". And I DO understand that, I don't always clean up my messes immediately either. But I find myself getting into the habit of thinking "why clean, it'll only get messed again in a few hours", and I hate that. My house is nowhere near as clean as it used to be, and that annoys me.

We want to ask this guy to find his own place, no time limit, no telling him he's "evicted" or anything like that, just sort of a gentle "you've been here five years now and we think it's time you strike out on your own, we'd like you to start looking for a place". But we're afraid there's no "nice" way to say this, and we don't want to make him feel he's been intruding, or that all this time he's been unwelcome. We think the world of him. But we want to live the way we want to live, and it's not always easy having someone else in your house, we can't even fight decently. haha

Anyone have suggestions for broaching the topic effectively without sounding like we're tired of him, or "kicking him out"? Hurting his feelings is the last thing we want to do.

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It is certainly a tough position to be in when you are a person who is considerate of others feelings which obviously you are. This is one of those situations in which there are no magic words to make it easier, but I'm sure that your gentleness will come across in whatever way you decide to tell him. I'm not sure that I would give the "no time limit option" though, unless you are sure he is the type of guy that won't take advantage of that. Keep us posted.

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Dear "Asking a friend to leave":

5 years ago is a long, long time.....at this point you really need to just come out with it and tell it like it is. He really has been taking advantage of you, I can't imagine that he thought this was a permenant solution, and in his mind, he's staying until you tell him otherwise.

Be nice, be gentle, but be firm....set a date and hold him to it or he won't be going anywhere!

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Julia, I totally agree with Tiggsherby as well as Craig. But I think if your border somehow inadvertantly read your post he would see what a kind person you really are. You've already put it out there in such a graceful yet honest way for us to read now I think you should use all of those exact words on him. Read it to yourself again. Good luck.

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I had to do this with my son and his fiance' because things weren't going so nicely. You should do exactly what you're saying to us. Use a sweet, gentle voice and expression and say that YOUR needs have changed over the years and your house has to change to meet those needs. You'd like him to find a place yet you'd still like the friendship to remain as wonderful as it's been. This way he shouldn't feel that the problem was him. If he's respectful he should understand that people and their circumstances change but that it shouldn't damage the friendship.

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I had to go through this with my son and daughter-in-law. They had a really cute no-pets-allowed apartment, but they got a dog anyway and had to move. They were here for 7 months. Finally we did exactly what hollies suggested--we found them an apartment. Everything turned out fine.

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I can only support what has already been said. I agree with Harry. This guy has been taking advantage of your kindness and gentle nature in that he hasn't felt the need to become an independent person.

You have every right to "reclaim" your home for yourselves without ever feeling guilty that it might inconvenience someone else.

Also as others have said. You obviously are a person who will do it in such a way that any "pain" will be minimalised.(Is that a word??? confusedlaugh )

All the best with this and don't put it off. You've got summer arriving over there and people feel better about things when the sun is shining.

Muzza cool

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A lot of people saying the guy is taking advantage of your hospitality. Look at it this way, he's not a house guest. He's a renter. Its a business arrangement. And that may be all he feels it is. He's got an affordable place to live and it fits his lifestyle. Just be honest and tell him you have plans and need the room. It will be an incovenience to him but if he takes it personal and gets upset you have no reason to feel guilty.

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