Daisy McLintock Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Had a very very long day at school. Was a good day, just a long one, that's all. Anybody have a good joke to tell? Or a bad one?I'm tired but I'm also excited because my favorite show is on in an hour -- Survivor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelina Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 here ya' go DaisyMen are like..... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.Men are like..... Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.Men are like..... Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.Men are like..... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.Men are like..... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate interest.Men are like..... Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelina Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 tada....Two new additions to periodic table of elements:Element name: WOMANSymbol: WOAtomic weight: (don't even go there)Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.Element Name: MAN Symbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180+/-50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possible good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.Good night everyone...it thirsty thursday...so take care of your waiters and waitresses....and try the veal. (rimshot)John Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Those are pretty good. The man from Naples comes through..!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy McLintock Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 I don't wanna be boring and say Angelina the coffee one is the best because I love coffee, but I also don't want to say what I'm really thinking so I'll just be a good girl here and not embarrass myself. Awesome stuff Angelina. Government bonds, .Yeah he did come through. What a hero! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daisy McLintock Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 Oh I like your avatar James. Have always loved Marilyn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bessieboo Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 A nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring.He replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do a bout that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'The cab driver is very excited and says,'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!''OK,' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?''Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess.I'm married and I'm Jewish.'The nun says, 'That's OK, my name is James and I'm going to a Halloween party.' ---------------------------------------James darling,I Love the new avatar it's so you ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelina Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Hey Bessie....we'll have "nun" of that! LOL John Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bessieboo Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Hmmm .... well the thing is that my Father-in-law sent this to me, as well as all the other relatives including Grandchildren. It may be time to take away his Internet privileges Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheScentLady Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Only at Walmart... One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.''Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 James darling,I Love the new avatar it's so you ! Thanks Bessie, and thanks Daisy. I like to make dreams come true. And it was Marilyn's fantasy to one day be under James.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bessieboo Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 God bless all delusional men Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mannoman Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Here's a visual, Daisy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTSS8E7bKXg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeatleJay Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 bad Raspberries joke- apologies in advanceWhat were Dracula's last words?"It's hard to get over a heart stake". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneG Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Q: What is the capital of Iceland?A: About $20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelina Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 What did the horny male sheep say to his girlfriend..."Baby Oh - I Wanna Be With Ewe!"John Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeatleJay Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 Some good ones tonight.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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