dianed Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Gina....You can't change him, but you can change you. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darlene Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Chris, You sound like a very open and loving person and your post is right on.Marriage is not always sunshine and rainbows and open, honest communication is sometimes difficult.Gina, I echo everyone's opinion. Sounds like the people on the board who posted here give better advice than Dr. Phil, because most of us have lived through some of this stuff.dianed really hit it on the head. When someone accuses another of doing something, it is often *they* who are doing it. I don't mean to say he has a girlfriend (he may just be "fishing," as someone said, for compliments and assurances of your fidelity), but he *may* be projecting HIS actions onto you. Just be alert to any *signs* that something is going on.In the meantime, I would do just what someone advised in a previous post: come out openly and ask why he would even intimate something like that, then add, "Why? Do *you* have a girlfriend?"That should cool him off instantly. If it doesn't, I would check to see what he's doing...Hang in there, girl. You deserve love and tender care. If he doesn't give those to you, make sure you give them to yourself. WE'RE certainly here for you! Good luck! --Love, Darlene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecstasy Posted June 4, 2006 Share Posted June 4, 2006 Gina, the more you described the situation, the more it scared me. This has really been eating away at me because of its familiarity to my brother-in-law. I can't swear to this but I suspect it's more of a behavioral/temperment thing than mental illness. What you're describing isn't simple manipulation or control --- it's domination and that's much more volatile! by brother in law used to call my sister 3-4 times when she was here demanding where she was, what she was doing, when she'd be home... He would always listen in on our conversations and frequently sabotage our plans. he didn't want her in communication with her family because they might catch on to what was going on (he especailly hated me because I'd "put ideas" into her head.) Please be very careful in confronting his comments and actions. I can't stress enough calling a women's shelter anonymously and getting info on the profile of an abuser with domination issues. Let them advise you on what they suspect this is and how to handle it. You could even do it from a friend's house or somewhere where your husband couldn't trace your call. Be careful, sweetie, and stay in touch here for support! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnniekNY Posted June 5, 2006 Share Posted June 5, 2006 There is no way to diagnose anyone without spending a good amount of time with them...but something you said triggered a thought....my husband has a friend who sounds somewhat similar to what you describe (certainly not all) but there is a disorder called obsessive compulsive personality disorder - the anxiety is brought on when those around the individual do not comply to their demands to function within the individual's world. For example - no one was allowed to park in front of their house. If they did, he would storm out and tell them to move. Or tell his wife to tell them to move. If they didn't, he would order all the curtains drawn so that he couldn't see the car... he would call on his way home from work to see if a car was there. (what the wife found out was there were cars more frequently in their neighborhood this one particular week because the neighbor across the street was dying of canc er and had hospice are for a week. It didn't matter to the husband - he went over and yelled at the dying man's father to move his car. He would be oblivious to how people reacted to those demands. Please listen to what everyone is saying about safety - don't ever think "oh, i'm over-reacting"...react! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted June 5, 2006 Author Share Posted June 5, 2006 Thanks everyone! I am paying close attention to all the advise you have been so kind to share with me. The different insights you've given I plan to share with my counselor this week. Thanks again, it really means a lot to me! Have a great day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 I thought it would be appropriate to give an update on my situation. A few months of seperation and now the divorce is final. At first I thought I jumped the gun and shouldn't have gone thru with it, but it can't be changed now and I am getting used to it. I have begun assertiveness training, applying it a little bit here and there. Baby steps. I had to learn to open my mouth and speak up for myself in every area of my life. I think not being able to have a healthy equal disagreement or discussion or conversation with my ex led me to the mindset of-why bother wasting my breath. My now ex and I are still seeing each other exclusively. However, I am still much in the dark when it comes to him. He is a hard nut to crack. However, being alone has given me time to step back and see some of the real him. Most of what I have discovered about him I don't feel good about. It is hard not to need a man. Things break, truck needs fixing, etc... he's a very good handman and pretty much a jack of all trades. It is not easy to sum it all up in a few short lines. Anyway, I have begun to write a fiction story(even though I'm not nor have ever been a writer) it is my escape from reality sometimes and a 'perfect life'dream that I now fantasize about. I am also relearning piano and just trying to work on myself, and stay sane and look at the bright side. I also think I have had some sort of mid life realization(or mid life crisis as they call it). Piano is harder than I remember it to be but fun none the less. Best wishes to all of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muzza Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 Hey Gina... You've been through a lot. Wounds don't heal quickly and time seems a hard way to let the healing happen.As both Marilyn and I have been through the divorce thing we understand something of what you have been through and are going through. I suspect looking at the posts on this board that others have too.When I was actively doing my auto mechanic thing I had the opportunity to run evening classes for women who wanted to be less reliant on someone else for the little practical things of life. You like changing a flat tyre, changing a light bulb, etc. Maybe there is something in the way of a short term class in your area that empowers your independance (not necessarily to do with cars) so male companionship is that, not because of what they can do for you. It doesn't replace a "man" but means relationships can be about caring for and about each other and enjoying each other.You take care and know we EC.com folk are here for you and wish you the best as you discover how and where to for your future.Muzza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecstasy Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Oh Gina, I'm so happy for you! You sound SOOOO good! I've worried about you and thought about contacting you many times but didn't want to pressure you or be intrusive. I'm so glad that you're looking at things differently and are in a safe position now. You just keep moving forward the way you are and you'll do great! We're really proud of you and always here for you! Be happy, sweetie!<smile> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris hess Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 gina,hang in there !!!i wish u happiness in your life..lol,chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianed Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Hello Gina….Divorce must have been a tough decision for you to make, but sometimes one has to “weed the garden†(so to speak) of negativity in their lives. Obviously his behavior was not for you and you opted not to live that lifestyle. Good for you !! Consider it “growth†on your part. I have learned one thing….you can’t change someone, but you can change yourself. You will be fine. Little by little you will gain your independence and learn how to do some of the things he did for you. When all you got is yourself, you have no choice but to depend on yourself. Focus on you and do what you want to do for a change. You’ll see… everything will fall into place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julesberry Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Gina,Don't look back. You've got a great life ahead of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marlene Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Gina,Don't look back. You've got a great life ahead of you. EXCELLENT advice !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 "Pick yourself up,Dust yourself off,Start all over again" Lyrics by: Dorothy Fields.I just looked up the lyrics to that song "Pick Yourself Up" ..pretty relevant to me, sort of.Thanks for all the kind words of encouragement and all! It is very reassuring to have nice folks like y'all around! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnO Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Reagrding dealing with your ex (or soon-to-be-ex), please remember the following:Never fight with an idiot. They'll bring you down to their level, then beat you with their experience....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brioohs Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 As a double-divorced guy - the decision is never easy (although potentially it may be knee-jerk depending on the circumstances), and the follow-up is usually less so. It is admirable to try and stay friends with your ex, but in the long run you will want to cut ties and become more self-reliant. I hope that you will be able to move on with little anguish. (I wish I could say the same for myself, but I have had my capability for trust crushed.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TOMMY TUNES Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Reagrding dealing with your ex (or soon-to-be-ex), please remember the following:Never fight with an idiot. They'll bring you down to their level, then beat you with their experience....... Great line JohnO. May I use it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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