Peachie Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I asked this question to my counselor and to my husband and still don't have any clarity, so here goes. What does it mean when my husband says something like...so did you see your boyfriend today? He says he's trying to get a reaction out of me. I wonder what type of reaction he is looking for. All it does is aggrivate me and make me wonder why he thinks I would do such a thing. I don't have nor do I want a b-friend and I do not even have a window of opportunity. I am either at home or work or the grocery store. I don't work late and I have never cheated on him in any way. I have expressed to him that I do not appreciate it and that it eminates distrust yet he continues with such types of remarks. (In addition to some vulgar language that I will not elaborate on here) Is it blatent disregard for my feelings or what? I understand if this post gets removed due to the nature of the subject. I appoligize in advance if it is inappropriate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 I may have used the wrong word...emit not eminate Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julesberry Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 I'm afraid it's called emotional abuse. I dealt with it in a past life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 Is it within 'human nature' to lash out in such a way for a dominant male? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnniekNY Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Jules is right....it's "fishing"...he could be very insecure and afraid he's going to lose you somehow.Nothing excuses verbal and emotional abuse and what we call "passive-aggressive" behavior: instead of saying what exactly is bothering him, he seems to make a nasty joke with a smile. All you know is it hurts and you don't understand where it is coming from.He needs to either go with you to the counselor or go to one one his own. No shortcuts here. He's abusing you. Period. it could be that if he actually has an impartial party repeat back to him what he sounds like, he might hear how bad he is.And ask your counselor to work on whether or not you could be giving off some sort of mixed signals to your hubby that might be confusing him.Hang in there, kiddo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnniekNY Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Jealousy is human nature but not everyone expresses it - you know how some people can get very jealous and other don't have a jealous bone in their body?"Dominant male" is very telling...equal partners is a lot more fun in a marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julesberry Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Gina, No one should be subjected to that type of behavior. It can be very damaging. I hope your counselor will get you through this.Someone who is trying to get a reaction out of you is a Bully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 Julesberry, AnnieKNY, Kathy, Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it and any more that anyone may have to offer up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnniekNY Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Those psych classes pay off, ladies!!! (Gina - i am in process of getting my mental health counseling degree and just finished a round of classes 2 weeks ago. gotta long way to go...)But Gina, the interesting thing is that, in AC, while watching the sound check with Kathy, I commented on how the board has become so much more than just an Eric lovefest.I find it comforting to have this outlet - anonymity if you need it, but lots of support.Julesberry has an invaluable viewpoint - first hand. Well said.And one other point: if your inner voice is telling you that it (you) doesn't feel safe, listen to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dianed Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Gina, Emotional abuse is horrible, your self esteem gets trampled on and the scars will always be there. I’ve been there, done that. He has to realize that he does need counseling for his behavior towards you as his insecurities will only push you further away from him. This is about him, not you.I hate to say this, but could it be that he can’t be trusted ? Usually people who are insecure and can’t trust someone can’t be trusted themselves. It’s time to come out of the corner and fight back to his abusive behavior. Try using reverse psychology and start asking him the same questions he is asking you. See if he can swallow his own medicine, most can’t. Always remember Pavlov’s Law….â€Create a stimulus and get a responseâ€. Diane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 AnnieKNY, best wishes for you working on getting your degree! I agree with you this this board is a great place to laugh, vent, get good advise, etc... It is really cool community and has been invaluable to me. As a stubborn optimist, the hard part of this for me it having to bite off and chew on the truth which is definitely not what I had hoped it to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted June 1, 2006 Author Share Posted June 1, 2006 Thanks dianed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tony Cartmill Posted June 1, 2006 Share Posted June 1, 2006 Dianed may be right. He might be fishing for a response just to check...because he has those thoughts himself. Find out what he thinks is missing in your relationship (besides courtesy and respect) and tell him if he wants to try and fix it, then knock off the head-game bullshit... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chris hess Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 i wish u the best..it's not easy making things work out..i know..my wife and i are reaching our 25th mark and GOD only knows how much we've giving and taking to make it work...this subject came up to us when we shut ourselves off to each other(yes,sex too!!)..i hope i'm not too bold to say that,but it's a touchy subject and needs to be dealt w/honestly..sorry if i offended anyone here..but it seems our friend needs some help...lol,chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnniekNY Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 I, for one, am not offended, Chris. You have a great point and an honesty that is needed to give us the well-rounded picture that marriage is not easy.Pete and I are at 21 years this month - I love him with all my heart and I'm definitely not easy to live with! It's worthy work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raspberries4ever Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Gina, you've gotten alot of good advice and support here. I can't really add much to it, except to say that you're in my thoughts & prayers. Take care, and find comfort in knowing that it's not your fault. I'm wishing you the best! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecstasy Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Even if he's just trying to push you buttons as you said, then it's a passive-aggressive power game to emotionally upset you and put you at a disadvantage. There are a couple of questions I'd like you to consider whether you choose to answer them here or not.1) Did this start suddenly or build over time?2) do you think you recognize a trigger --- something that may have started this at a particular time?3) does it dome and go or change from time to time?The reason I'm asking this is to discern whether this might be mental illness. Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Bipolar Disorder both LOVE to create chaos and feed off of the resulting turmoil! ADHD creates an impulsivity that feeds off of the excitement and upset. It also creates the opportunity for the impulsivity to make the person blurt out stupid things without thinking. My husband, John, is a wonderful, amazing man who is ADHD and has a seasonal mood disorder that we haven't gotten a handle on yet. He can be the most incredible person on the planet during the spring and fall ut in the summer he gets angry and aggressive and during the winter he gets depressed and withdrawn. My three boys have almost identical patterns. Remember when I put out a plea for someone to help me cross-train? I didn't go into details then but that was because I've run myself completely into the ground handling these issues (and I haven't even mentioned my girls and my own disorders.) One thing I learned was to check into community resources. In your case you might want to seek out info from an abused womens shelter. the info and profile they gave me matched my brother-in-law when my sister was having trouble with him. this might fill in some of the "gaps" and make you look at his behaviors from a completely different angle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecstasy Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Oh, and to the group as a whole, I'm so glad this place functions as an extended family and takes care of each other. No one shies away from difficult or unpleasant issues, especially if someone needs help or encouragement. I got the support I needed from this group for my training/health issues and I have no doubt that others will be nurtured in the same exceptional way. There's something very special about the atmosphere and character of this family. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muzza Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Hey Gina. Take care girl. Marilyn has been through what you are going through in a previous "life". I can't say I rescued her from that but I do know that not all men are like you are experiencing.Whatever the reasons - diet, disorders, plain bloodymindedness, or a man struggling with expressing his emotions - help is required. We (Marilyn too) want you to know we care and are thinking of you. You and your hubby are in our prayers and we know there is light at the end of the tunnel. Getting to that light can sometimes be a painful experience though. Hang in there. Have hope, and know you have so many friends who care and want a good outcome for you both.Muzza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marlene Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 I'm certainly not an expert and by no means feel qualified to give any advice, Gina...but you're in my prayers. I hope things get better for you real soon. Stay strong. You have a lot of support here !! Marlene Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peachie Posted June 2, 2006 Author Share Posted June 2, 2006 Hello everyone and thanks a bunch! I have been mulling over your posts and thinking back. To kind of answer Ectacy's post... We've been married 11yrs and dated a few months prior to getting married. I distinctively remember him going to tear up our marriage license on our wedding night cause I did no want to go do "it" on the bike overpass on the bare concrete in plain view. (we had once and I did not want to repeat that, some things you just do once). Anyway, the rip in the license is there to this day. He has a tendency to have temper tantrums, cuts people off in mid sentence regularly in conversation, speaks over people, and does the same in the background on most of my phone conversations with other people. He has a way of going on and on about the same subject, repeating himself often and has an insatiable desire for praise. These traits go back as far as I can remember. No particular trigger as far as I know. I have tried addressing the 'your boyfriend' issue calm and collectively but it seems to fall on deal ears. He thinks going to a counselor is a waste of money. Perhaps I have been blind and long suffering hoping he would mellow out with age. I have set aside special time for us, tried being very aattentive, cooperative with his whims even on week nights when I'm tired from work, etc..., got him a book reccomended to him by a friend that had marital issues -at his request- then he didn't read it. A couple months ago I packed up and left after he went to work. Came back the same night. I don't know...He says I'm not happy. That as soon as the house is done I'll leave him. He says "I know, I'm just a fat guy" to which I tell him he is not fat. He jokingly accuses me of 'wanting' our neighbor, my boss, various friends of his. It is a very empty feeling that I have been trying desperately to drown in many different ways, but to no avail. So now I'm just going to have to "face the music" I guess. Thanks for listening and letting me vent. Everyone have a good weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
julesberry Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 He's a master of manipulation. He won't get help,why should he, he's got it made. Gina, my guess is that he's not losing any sleep over this, but you are. I was dead inside for years before I finally had the nerve to get out. I've never looked back.I don't know what the right answer is for you, but you'll figure it out when the time is right.I second it, Stay Strong. Best Wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mellie Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 Gina, about five years ago I went to a counselor to be evaluated - thinking I had a problem because someone in my life was always verbally abusive and I didn't like who I became when I responded. It took less than 30 minutes for him to conclude that I am mentally and emotionally healthy, rational, logical, and intelligent... but the person I had problems with (since the day we met) has clear signs of several mental health disorders that they don't recognize as a problem. I was looking for someone to "fix" me. Instead, he spent one hour a week for four weeks teaching me proactive behavioral skills to help me cope with the aggression by diffusing it. What amazes me is that the same skills work with the cranky grocery store clerk, soldiers with a combative attitude toward female investigators having authority over them, fire-eater power-trippy bosses... and it improved all of my personal relationships, even those that were already okay.We've all been told you can't change someone else, shouldn't even try - they have to want to change for themselves. There's also that saying "Misery loves company." Counseling is NOT a waste of money if it's helping you understand and improve yourself. You're on the right track and I'm cheering you on. Take care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
popdude Posted June 2, 2006 Share Posted June 2, 2006 We've all been told you can't change someone else, shouldn't even try - they have to want to change for themselves. Amen to that. Here's hoping things get better for you soon. No woman should have to put up with a spouse who has such blatant disregard for their feelings... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnneG Posted June 3, 2006 Share Posted June 3, 2006 Gina,The next time your husband asks that question, why not respond: "why do you ask?". Throw the ball in his court.Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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