Jump to content

Getting serious for a moment


JuliaD

Recommended Posts

Well, a year's gone by, a year ago tonight I said goodnight to my mom, and she said "see you tomorrow", and I left, to never hear her speak again. I went to the hospital the following day to find she'd slipped into coma, and she died at 6:35 PM, with all of us at her side. And I don't even know why I'm posting this, other than to warn all of you with moms that are still living that the pain has not eased one iota, I still catch myself thinking "I have to tell mom that show's on tv tomorrow" before I remember she's gone... I still find myself wanting to take a pic of something to show her before I remember "no sense doing that"... and the reality that she is truly gone is overwhelming at times, I can't even describe it...

My mom and I had a great relationship, it's not like I'm regretting things I said to her and wishing I could take em back, there was nothing like that... and I know for some here, that may not be so...

So, I'm hoping my loss might make someone think about their mom today, get up from their computer, and go phone her or if you can, go see her... tell her you love her, and mean it... because one day, you will all be in my shoes, and they're mighty heavy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I count my blessings that I have the best family in the world that I love with all my heart, and I treasure all the happy memories since childhood. My mum lives very close to me and I visit her every day. Even when I'm away, I phone her as often as I can. My heart goes out to you on your sad anniversary, as I know anniversaries can cause great pain where the wound has never really healed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Julia- You're in my prayers. I know that I will be facing that in the next few years. Thanks for the reminder that we should never take the people we love for granted. We never know who's turn will be next. My husband's father died when he was 17, and they didn't have a great relationship at that time, just like all teens do with their father. I think that has affected so many facets of his life. He really regrets that he didn't tell his father that he loved him the morning he died.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I lost my dad when I was 15 - January 2nd, 1983. You're right - sometimes it still feels like yesterday. It's had a profound affect on my life - for the good in some ways.

I have a lot of friends who work like dogs right now - thinking they'll be able to retire when they're 55. I've never allowed my husband to work 70 hour work weeks like some people do, as I'm well aware that you might not make it to retirement age. I'm much more happy having a husband home, who my son gets to know. At the moment my husband is out of work, and although times are going to be tough for awhile, I still think it's great that my little boy is getting to know his daddy. You have to enjoy the time you have today, as you can't count on the future at all. I know, hopefully, in the future, that we'll look back at this time, and realize that, although we were really poor, we had each other, and good times together.

Some friends of mine are working so much that they never see each other, and their kids are being raised by daycare workers. I'm so happy that's not what's happening to us. Yes, we have the smallest house in the neighbourhood, and my kid doesn't wear Gap clothes, but we're happy, he's dressed, and we have lots of friends. In the end, you can't take the money with you, so you have to make more of a mark on the world than just how big your house was, or how much money you have.

It sounds like you and your mom had a great relationship Julia - and that's something many people never have with their moms. So, you should be so happy you had a great relationship with her for as many years as you did.

Michelle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

JuliaD, I know how you feel about your Mom. Mine will be gone two years May 27th, and I still think about her and cry, sometimes out of nowhere, in the middle of the day. Diamond Rio's song One More Day is the one that really makes me cry. Before she died of Alzheimers, she lived at home with me, and we would watch Country Music Videos and we would both cry when we heard that song: "One more day, one more time. One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied. But then again, I know what it would do--just leave me wishin' still for one more day with you."

When I hear it I still dissolve in tears.

But you did the most anyone could do for a parent, and she knew it. That's the important thing. Even if you hadn't, parents STILL know you love them deep inside. People don't always express their love for each other, some parents and children are emotionally unable to, but I still believe the parent-child bond is so biological/emotional/deep, that even parents/fathers who have left their children feel the connection inside. It's unspoken. Parents and children always love each other, even if they don't know it.

As Tom Selleck said "Even though this business has been good to me, it's not what life is about."

I love music, but family is even more important.

Love doesn't have to be spoken to be understood by the other person, so those who worry that they never got the chance to make amends with their parent(s), don't worry. They knew. And they loved you too, even if they didn't say it, or didn't know it. God just made us all that way.

smile --Darlene

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, everyone, for your good thoughts. I won't say it's not hard, it is, but the goal I had in mind in making my post was so maybe just one person would tell their mom they loved them today, while they still had the chance.

For me, the "firsts" are over now, "first Easter without her, first Mother's Day, first Christmas, my first birthday without her, my son's first birthday without her", etc. And I think those "firsts" are the roughest hurdles to get past. I'm a bit bruised, but I'm in one piece wink

Michelle, my mom and I had just about the best relationship I've ever known a mother/daughter to have, I talked to her every day, and saw her several times a week, and there were no major arguments, no cross words spoken, literally nothing that makes me think "if only...". We didn't always agree on things, but we always tried to see the other's point of view, and even if we didn't, we still respected each other enough to be adult about it. There are no "bad memories".

And darlene, you're right too, my dad walked out on us when I was 8 months old, and he has been known to see me in public, talk to me for 10 minutes, and then ask his then (he's divorced again) 2nd wife, "who was that?" :rolleyes:

But I have a half-brother who's online constantly, he's the very definition of "computer geek", and last March 15, I e-mailed him and said "please tell dad my mom died tonight", and in less than a minute my phone was ringing, and it was my dad. He wasn't eloquent, he really was at a loss for words, but at least he made the effort, and that meant a lot. I told the funeral home if my dad wanted to "sneak in" when the rest of the family wasn't there, they were to allow it, and let him stay as long as he wished. And he did go see her.

I'm rambling, huh? shocked

Sorry, didn't mean to, just been one of those days. Thanks again, everyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

JuliaD, I am so glad your father called. It's true, there is this biological bond. Twins feel it very strongly (separated twins often get sick at the same time, etc.) but even though it's weaker in other relationships, it's still there.

You're right--it didn't matter that he wasn't eloquent. The fact that he was at a loss for words is all the more precious. The man was trying the very best he could, and it was difficult for him. That makes it mean all the more to you. In time, he probably will contact you again. Maybe this is an opening for him to know that if he wants to, he CAN contact you.

Out of every bad thing, something good usually happens. Your mother was looking down and smiling from Heaven on the day he called you. There was a beautiful e-card at Blue Mountain a couple of years ago by a little schoolgirl, about 8 years old, in which she said people who pass away aren't really gone. They're the ones who paint the rainbows and the sunsets and make the clouds sail by. And they whisper in the wind, "Don't cry too much for me. I'm happy--it's beautiful up here." If I find it, I'll send it to you. I see my Mom in every rainbow and sunset...You will too.

smile -- Love, Darlene

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My wife's mother passed away January 30th of ALS. Each day now is different and always will be. Just trying to adjust one day at a time. Her dad was placed in the nursing home shortly thereafter with advanced ALZ. She basically lost two parents this year. Life is precious as we know it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Amen. My Mom had Alzheimers too. She was so childlike and sweet up till the moment she passed away. In time, your wife will remember the happy moments with her parents. Right now, it's going to go through shock, anger, denial, sadness and hurt for awhile. But eventually, she'll start to smile, remembering some happy times and that will happen more often as time goes on. The only good things about Alzheimers is that it's a very long goodbye, or at least long enough to somewhat prepare yourself.

--Darlene

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's nice to hear of people who have great relationships with their moms. My mom and I stopped having a good relationship when I was 15 and she started dating an alcoholic literally days after my dad died (her boyfriend played the organ at my dad's funeral). I thought she was making a big mistake, but she chose to be with him instead of going to my high school graduation, etc.

When I was 21 I broke off an engagement right before the wedding. My mom was livid, and told me that she would never talk to me again if I didn't marry that guy. I told her that if she liked him so much, she could marry him, but he wasn't for me.

The next year when I got married, I told her about the wedding, and she said she wouldn't be coming. At the last minute she showed up, saying she had the right to walk me down the aisle. I told her she hadn't been there for the rehersal, so she didn't have the right to walk me down the aisle. Instead, my husband and I walked down the aisle together - in Finnish fashion (he's 1/2 Finnish). Mom stayed for the ceremony, but left before the reception.

My mom and I had a very rocky relationship until 1996, when it all blew up. We fought it out, and got over our old issues. Since my son was born, we've had a great relationship. It's hard to believe we ever fought as much as we did. I think she's come to believe I made a good choice in my husband (it's almost 13 years!), and she trusts my choices. I'm glad we made up before it was too late. I'd hate to have that hanging over me for the rest of my life.

I have a few relatives who don't talk, and it tears me up, because I know what 'could have been' for my mom and me. Mom is only 65, so I'm guessing there are a good 20 years left in her, but I'm glad we finally are back talking again, and we talk on the phone almost every night. Her phone bills are really high, and now that my husband lost his job, she's trying to talk us into moving closer to her. I'd love to live near her, as she loves looking after my son, but it's just not feasable right now. Still, this way we keep our distance and don't drive each other crazy.

Michelle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Michelle, Very few people have perfect relationships with their parents and siblings. In fact, people go into analysis because we think we should all be like the "Leave It To Beaver" Family or "Father Knows Best." Nobody knows how dysfunctional some of those "perfect" families were offscreen. But most families eventually mend their fences. You did very very well with yours. My parents and I didn't see eye to eye on a performing career. I went to college to be a string teacher until after my senior recital when my professors told me I should go into performing instead and go to Juilliard. My parents didn't have the money for Juilliard (they would have to pay off my undergrad education for 8 years following my graduation) but the profs really turned my head and I got it into my soul that I had to perform. I made the Juilliard audition, and my parents said if they offered a scholarship I could go, but otherwise forget it. Juilliard didn't offer scholarships in those days. My parents expected me to support myself as a teacher after college, which I did. I always felt disappointed at not having the chance to go, and rebelled and stopped playing the violin. It's now inconceivable to me that I did that ( I said, "okay, I'll be a teacher. I just quit playing. I didn't come out and say I was doing it, I just got sour on the whole thing. Like, why practice? )I was pretty immature. I quit for 23 years. In every other way my parents and I got along, but there was that unwritten "I'm not playing" thing always there. I told them I didn't have time to practice. In 1993 at age 46 one day I just passed the closet where I kept my violin and started crying, picked it up and played In about 2 weeks, I was doing very well. I never stopped playing. I am lucky it all came back. Before my mom died, we were watching some violinists on television from Juilliard and she said "I think I made a mistake not letting you go." And I told her knew what was best for me, because I've had the best career ever, sharing the joy of strings with all those children. Juilliard used to have an age limit of 23. They no longer have an age limit. I asked Mom if she wanted me to go and study after I retire from teaching. She said "Yes!" I told her I will do it for both of us, and Dad (who passed away in 1977) too. I will probably be the oldest student there, but I'll definitely do it. Six more years...

smile --Darlene

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow Darlene. I thought going back to school to do my Master's at 30 was old. I hope to go back to do my Ph.D. someday. I love school - probably the reason I really enjoy teaching at the College. I really enjoy learning everything, and had a really hard time deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up (some people would argue I never did). That's likely the reason I've had such a varied career - I'd hate to think I missed anything. Thus, so far I've been a pharmacist, archivist, librarian, author, teacher, and mom. I also knit, sew, crochet, quilt, and cross-stitch. I play the violin, organ, & piano. I also danced professionally (Highland, jazz, tap, ballet),and did baton, Guides, Key Club, Drama Club, student's council, etc. when I was younger. It's amazing I even passed school, let alone got good grades!

Now you see what I mean when I said I have a hard time deciding what I like.

Michelle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The problem I seem to feel I have is that I took lessons in pretty much everything, but I've never really "specialised" in anything. I never dedicated my life to one thing so fully that I am a master at it. Sometimes I feel like a big fraud, as I can talk about all subjects, but when I meet someone who really is an expert on something, I feel as if I know nothing.

I teach a class on Archives at the local college, and yesterday we had in a guest speaker on conservation of books. He spent 7 years learning how to conserve just books. I've taken a few courses on the subject, and here I am teaching the class. What he knew just blew me away. That's when I start to feel like I know a lot of stuff, but not enough on any one subject to make it count.

But, you don't want to play Trivia Pursuit against me - I rarely lose!

Michelle

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...