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  1. After the release of Raspberries album Side 3 in 1973, it became apparent that artistically, there was a fraction in the ranks…With the lack of sales for the lp, Raspberries were at a crossroads…Ultimately, the band splintered with Eric and Wally continuing to carry the Raspberries monicker with two new members while Dave and Jim quit to form their own band(Dynamite)… Recently, I discovered a tv documentary, that chronicles the breakup and am proud to offer it here for your enjoyment… —————————————————— ”In early 1974, after lackluster sales for their last album,the group had a meeting to discuss their future… “Guys, we have to do something…Capitol is not doing us justice…In reviewing our contract, we have a clause that we can cancel our deal and go off on our own…We need to find someone who has enough money to back us so we can self-promote ourselves in an effective way…Any ideas?” “My dad has a friend that is an investment banker and he has some clients that are looking to invest in a musical act…I can have my dad call him and get the ball rolling…Is that okay with everybody? “absolutely “yes” “SURE”… Jim’s dad makes the call and explains the situation to his friend… MR. DRYSDALE-““Okay, Mr. Bonfanti…I have set it all up…My client will call the kids and let’s see if we can make this happen…” —————————————————— A FEW DAYS LATER, MR .DRYSDALE GETS TOGETHER WITH HIS CLIENTS AND AFTER EXPLAINING THE SITUATION, THE INVESTORS DECIDE TO CALL THE BAND AND SET UP A MEETING…”who wee…Well, you guys can come by the house tomorrow and play us some of that sweet Raspberries music…And bring your appetite…Granny will rustle up some possum and other tasty viddles for you boys… …” The next day, the boys showed up at the address… and are greeted at the gate… “Who the heck is this Motley Cru”?… “we’re not Motley Cru…We’re the Raspberries…” “Oh granny, put that gun down and grab them there viddles you cooked up mighty special…Come on in guys…” “Wowie…They sure are purdy…” “Oh, calm down Ellie…I never seen you this excited since granny filled that mailman’s ass full of buckshot after he joked about making a “special delivery into your mailbox”…but that’s enough of that…I got an idea… “Let’s skip the possum and start listening to some good Ol’ music… The Raspberries agreed and launched into their first number… “”Yikes…What the hell was all that noise?…Sounds like when I was rustling up those rascals and throwing them in the boiling pot of water to get them nice and tender…Same yelping as that stuff… “Fellas, that ain’t the kinda music we is acquainted with…Don’t you have any good ole down home country music?” “Now, that’s something we would invest in”…Do we have a deal?”… “We’ll let you know…Thanx…” ——————————————————When the boys get back to Cleveland, the pivotal moment has arrived… “Guys, we are a rock band, not a country band…” “I say we take the offer…We are not getting anywhere with rock, so let’s go “country”… “If you think I am gonna go out on stage every night, dressed in overalls and looking like an itinerant farm worker, you’re nuts” … “Well, it’s better than dressing like we’re gay and playing for little girls…I quit”… “I’m with you, Dave…Let’s form our own group… —————————————————— With that turn of events, Wally and Eric recruited two new members Scott Mccarl and Mike McBride…… Jim decided that his and Dave’s new group needed some money and a name, so they called Mr. Drysdale again for his help… “Well, unfortunately, the Hilbilly’s have lost interest, but I have another client to try, but he wants total control …He even wants to pick out a name for you guys…Here’s his phone number…He will be waiting for your call tomorrow…” —————————————————— The next day, Dave and Jim called their new investor and gave up total control, even letting him name the band… And that’s how it all went down…
  2. Well, let’s find out what is going on in our little world… Paul McCartney, Elton John, Tom Jones and others have already been officially knighted by the Queen and are now adorned with the title of “Sir”… Well, now it’s Eric’s turn, as he has officially been anointed as “Sir” but not by the Queen but by ASCAP…The “Sir” stands for “Songwriter in Recluse” as he hasn’t been seen on stage, studio, tv, Cleveland or Twitter… The news hasn’t been all positive for EC though, as Eric has been involved in a lawsuit by the Jewish Anti-Defamation League…The basis for the lawsuit is the song “Sunrise”… It seems that at a charity fundraising event, EC performed the song and a few members of the audience, after indulging on a meal of Gaza Strip steak, yentil soup, a piece of Mazel Toffee for dessert, and one too many bottles of Hebrew beer, became offended as they interpreted the song’s title to be “Sonrise”…a no-no in the Jewish faith… He did avert a riot when he quickly launched into a spirited rewrite version of “Goyim All The Way”… xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx On the Joe Biden front, the President had a special luncheon at the White House to honor Joseph Barbera and William Hanna, the creators of the Flintstones… He applauded their foresight in that cartoon series and remarked that it took great courage and forward thinking in making a homosexual statement way back in the ‘60’s… The President pointed out the temerity it took to tell the world at the time that the “Flintstones, in their theme song proclaimed that Fred, Barney, Wilma and Betty, we’re having “a gay old time”… He felt that Barney was America’s “first gay midget” and that the President’s favorite episode is when Rubble declared his sexual orientation and came out of the cupboard… Mr. Biden then launched into a tirade on how he was gonna further ingratiate himself to the politically correct community… He declared “ from this moment on, we will declare all gender identification in advertising will be illegal… No more Mr. Peanut Or any of the following icons… (A double violation) When it came time for lunch to be served(hamburgers and hot dogs), the President was asked if he wanted any condiments…Biden replied “Why the hell would I need rubbers now”? And how was your month?
  3. Combing through my collection of VHS tapes, I stumbled upon an episode of EC when he was on an episode of the old tv show, “The Honeymooners”… ENJOY… ALICE-“I’m so glad you’re home, Ralph …Hi, Ed…I got something exciting to tell you…I just won 4 tickets on the radio to the Eric Carmen concert tomorrow night…I thought it would be a great night out…Ed- Call Trixie…Tell her to come downstairs…I can’t wait to tell her… ED- “Hey Trix…Come downstairs…Alice wants to tell you something..,” AFTER TRIXIE COMES IN, ALICE TELLS HER THE GOOD NEWS… TRIXIE-“That’s fantastic…I just love Eric and I know you do to Alice…This is gonna be so much fun…” RALPH-“Who the hell is Eric Carmen?” ALICE””He’s the guy that sings that song All By Myself… RALPH-“ “How appropriate…Because you’re going to the show All By Yourself..Me and Norton are not going…” ED-“ It’ll be fun Ralph…” ALICE-“”It’s settled …3 against one, Ralph…We are going to the show…I am going to bed…See you tomorrow, Trix”… ED-“You go upstairs, Trix…I’ll stay here and talk to Ralph and soften him up…” AFTER TRIXIE GOES BACK TO HER APARTMENT, ED AND RALPH ARE ALONE… RALPH-“ “What the heck is wrong with you Norton…Tomorrow night is our bowling championship…We can’t go to that show…” ED-“Yea, you’re right…Let me think…Wait a minute…I got it…The bowling alley is right next to the concert hall…We take the girls out for a little Chinese dinner and after eating, we go to the auditorium…you say you don’t feel good and “collapse”…I tell the girls that they should go to the show while I take you to the hospital…As soon as they agree and go inside, we walk right next door to the alley’s and bowl away…” RALPH-“ ”Norton, you’re a genius…We’ll be back home before the concert is over and tell them that the doctor’ said it was just indigestion and I need to rest…Got to hand it to you, Norton…Great idea….Ok…See you tomorrow… THE NEXT NIGHT… ALICE-“”What a great dinner…Oh, thank you Ralph.,.I never get a chance to dress up anymore..But how are we gonna get to the show on time…? The concert hall is on the other side of town…” RALPH”-Don’t worry…Old Ralphie boy used his connections at the bus company…They are gonna pick us up, free of charge of course, and bring us to the show…Oh, here’s the bus now…” WHEN THE CREW GETS TO THE CONCERT, THE BOYS LAUNCH INTO THEIR PLAN… ED-“ you okay, Ralph?”…You don’t look so good… RALPH-“”I don’t feel so good, Norton…I think I need to go to the hospital… ALICE-“oh no…What do we do, Ed?” NORTON- “I don’t want you girls to miss the show…You go to the concert and I’ll take Ralph to the hospital…I’m sure it’s nothing…After Ralph gets checked out, we’ll meet you at home…” TRIXIE-“Okay, good luck, Ralph…Come on, Alice-The show has already started… MEANWHILE, RALPH AND ED GO BOWLING AND WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP BUT THEY ARE IN A HURRY TO BEAT THE GIRLS HOME AND HAVE NO TIME TO JOIN IN ON THE CELEBRATION … AS THE CONCERT DRAWS TO AN END, ERIC MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE STAGE… ERIC-““I’m sorry to hear that our WABC contest winner, Alice Kramden had to leave quickly because of a family matter, but we wish her the best of luck…Good night everybody and drive home safely…” AT THE OTHER END OF TOWN, ALICE AND TRIXIE ARE JUST LEAVING THE HOSPITAL… ALICE-“I don’t understand it, Trix.,,The doctor said that there was no one named Ralph Kramden there tonight… Well I hope the boys are home so we can figure out what happened… WHEN THE LADIES RETURN HOME, THE PLAN BEGINS TO UNRAVEL… NORTON-““So you see ladies, the doctor said that it was just indigestion from the Chinese food…A touch of the “Egg Flu Young”… ALICE- “Now what a minute, Ralph…Egg Flu Young?… And I suppose you got diarrhea from the Pu Pu Platter?..What the heck is going on here?” SUDDENLY- ALICE-“Who can that be?” WHEN ALICE OPENS THE DOOR, SHE GETS THE SURPRISE OF HER LIFE… ALICE-“Oh my God, Trixie…It’s Eric Carmen…”What are you doing here? Come in… ERIC-““It’s a long story…But, after each show, myself and the crew love to unwind by going bowling…And we just happened to notice that there was a bowling alley next to the theater..,So we decided to bowl a game…Now, we have a guy in the band with really fat fingers and always has trouble finding him a ball that will fit…But, the guy at the alleys said that we were in luck because a guy came in tonight to bowl in his league championship and left in such a hurry that he left his ball behind…They said that the guy was so fat that he was living proof that the American Indian fooled around with the buffalo…When they said that his name was Ralph Kramden …I started to put two and two together and figure I can return the ball and get a chance to say hello to our contest winners…We’ll, here’s the ball and am glad I had a chance to meet you…Gotta run…The bus is waiting…” AFTER ERIC LEAVES, ALICE TEARS INTO RALPH… ALICE-“You lied to me Ralph and you were in on it too, Ed…You went bowling instead of coming with me…Oh Ralph, how could you do it? SUDDENLY THERE’S ANOTHER KNOCK ON THE DOOR… AS ALICE OPENS IT AGAIN, A FAMILIAR FIGURE IS STANDING THERE.., ALICE-“”What are you doing back here, Eric? ERIC- “Our bus won’t start and we we don’t know what to do…” RALPH-“What company did you rent the bus from?”… ERIC”-The Gotham bus company…” RALPH-“Hey, that’s my bus company…I’ll arrange for a replacement bus and I’ll even drive you to your next show…My boss will be so happy that I took care of the problem so quickly and it will be great publicity for the company to have a celebrity endorse us”…Ed, Trixie and Alice…you are all coming for the ride… ERIC-“ “If you do that for us, I’ll treat you to free tickets to the show… ALICE-“This doesn’t make up for what you did, Ralph, but it comes really close… RALPH-“Baby, your the greatest… NORTON-“But, the doctor said you have to rest for 24 hours…
  4. Don Corleone-“What the hell happened, Santino?” SONNY- “We lost him, pop…” DON- “Did you follow my instructions, Michael?” MICHAELYea, we did, but he got away…” DON-“Them, I want to hear the whole story…The truth…” TOM-“It started out with the chick with the horse… We knew what time she would go for a ride on her horse…We had both sets of cubes and we were ready… AS TOM TOLD THE STORY, THE DON PICTURED THE STORY IN HIS MIND… WE NOW TAKE YOU BACK TO THE SCENE AS IT UNFOLDED… FRANKIE PANTANGELO…“Here they come…Right on schedule…I’ll grab the girl and Luca, you get the horse into the wagon.. Michael get the two sets of sugar cubes…Everybody hide”… SUSIE-“Hey, Blazer…There’s two buckets of sugar cubes over there and one smells like Raspberries…Let’s stop for a snack…You can have the regular sugar cubes and I’ll eat the Raspberry scented ones… AS SUSIE DISMOUNTS AND FEEDS BLAZER HIS SUGARY TREATS the Corleone squad appears.. FRANKIE P“Quick, grab the chick and shove the horse into the trailer…We may need to use his head for a little persuasion tactic later” TOM-“So Don Corleone…That part of the plan went well..,We told Bernie that if Lew didn’t get the moderator job, people would start disappearing…So we got Susie B locked up in the other room with “Batman” DON-“Then we got two of them back there…I see that the third one has eluded us and is back posting again..,Take me back and tell me what went wrong.., TOM-“We sent him an application to his harem with a picture of an 18 year old hot chick……We sent a photo of her clipping a guys toenails…He loves that… and we included a picture of her fetching a beer… TOM-“With your permission, Don,we resume the story… We correspond with this guy and he agrees to come to America from Panama to “test” the girl out… Fredo and Tessio meet him at JFK Airport, hold up a name card He gets off the plane with his dog and a bag and gets into the limo… DON- “Story sounds good do far…”What happened?” FREDO-“The son of a bitch, gets in the car, and doesn’t see the girl and starts asking questions…He then opens the bag, start to eat the burgers and says, “Roses are red, violets are pink…when I eat White Castle, my “heat” really stinks”… And then he lets out a tremendous noise, the car stunk so bad, like one of BeAtlBuM’s old posts, that we had to pull over and roll down the windows and he made a break for it…” “I’m not used to being embarrassed like this…The guy, Lew, donated 50 cents to keep the board alive and this Bernie guy still don’t make him a moderator… Get him in here next…We need to have a little meeting with him… STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT EPISODE: THE GODFATHER AND BERNIE-FINAL MEETIN’…
  5. The life of a dj can be very exciting...Today I give you an inside look at one of my most memorable gigs.... This month marks the 18, 000th day since Pope Benedict retired and Pope Francis has been elected to the position of Pope and my vow of silence has now expired...(18,000 is a spiritual number in the Catholic religion for no person has ever been appointed Pope with an HDL higher than that).. Around the end of Feb. 2013, I received an invitation that read the following: THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH WOULD KINDLY LIKE YOU TO PROVIDE MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT AT OUR PAPAL CONCLAVE MARCH 3, 2013... VATICAN CITY PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THIS IS A FORMAL AFFAIR...BUT DO NOT COME DRESSED IN A WHITE COLLARED SHIRT AS YOU WOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR ONE OF THE RANK AND FILE...WHITE COLLARS ARE FOR VOTING MEMBERS ONLY... PLEASE CHECK; YES, I WILL ATTEND 0R YES, I WILL ATTEND xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I couldnt help but notice that the conclave and our own Bernie happen to use the very same writing style as I recall my last WAB invitation was startingly similar...I went through my memolewbilia and present you with my last WAB invite... ERICCARMEN.COM WOULD KINDLY LIKE YOU TO PROVIDE MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENT AT OUR WAB(Weekend At Bernie's) Aug.11, 2009... Sayreville,N.J. PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT THIS IS AN INFORMAL AFFAIR...BUT DO NOT COME DRESSED IN A COLLARED SHIRT AS YOU WOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR ONE OF THE MEN GUESTS...YOU MUST WEAR A GRASS SKIRT... P.S.-DO NOT ATTEND UNLESS YOU BRING YOUR DJ EQUIPMENT... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx But, let me move forward to the actual event... First, there is a bit of warming up this very stoic crowd... I orchestrated a little group activity: To the tune of Tony Orlando's "Knock Three Times", I had all the Cardinals dressed in red, grab their knives and when Orlando sang, "knock three times", they would all pound the table 3 times with the utensil 'whack, whack, whack' and the Cardindals dressed in white would take their forks and, you guessed it, bang on their wineglasses twice when prompted by Orlando's "twice on the pipes" 'clink, clink'... I swear, it was so funny that one of the Cardinals stated that this was more fun than the sacrament of Extreme Unction... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Next on the agenda, was our headliner, Father Guido Sarducci...He did his usual schtiick about ":paying for your sins" when you get to Heaven... "When you get to the pearly white gates, God gives you a $20,000 dollar bill and a price list of what each sin is worth...Then he reads off your sins and starts making deductions, for instance, taking a right turn at a red light where there is no sign saying that it is okay costs you $2...taping a baseball game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball docks you $5, adultery is $150, eating meat on Fri. during Lent will cost you $200 and so forth...If you still have money left when he finishes reading your sins, you get in..(In case you are wondering, big sins like murder or pressing the "LIKE" button on Kay Bryson's facebook post sends you right to the "holding pen"(purgatory)" for an unspecified period of time... One Monsignor was laughing so hard that he busted the clasp on his Rosary beads and they splattered across the floor like a dozen loose chiclets... But, after all this merriment, business was called to order...Anyone interested in being considered a candidate was brought forward to be presented to the voting council... It is at this stage that most people are eliminated: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Here is a list of hopefuls that were dismissed and the reasons why... Cardinal Ralph DeBriccassart...(Not a real cardinal...Only a t.v. minispecial Cardinal from The Thorn Birds) Baseball player Albert Pujols...(No longer a Cardinal and his plea that he now is an Angel fell on deaf ears)... Billy Graham...(Wrong religion)... Rev. Jesse Jackson...(Started busting everybody's chops as to why there never was a black Pope and why couldn’t the black smoke symbolize victory)... Rev. Al Sharpton...(Refer to Jesse Jackson's elimination)... The Pope of Greenwich Village...(You cant be a Pope twice)... Father MacKenzie...(Couldnt explain what he did with the rice that he picked up in the church where the wedding had been...) Joel Osteen...(Talked too much and blinked his eyes erratically)... Muzza...(No explanation necessary)... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx The candidates that passed this initial phase and advanced to the in-depth interview round were the following: Cardinal Busch from St. Louis, Missouri...He was an early favorite but eliminated himself from further consideration when he admitted under intense scrutiny that he felt the conclave should have a moment of silence for the most famous Cardinal that had just passed away, Stan Musial.. Cardinal Eaton Toomuch...A grossly overweight cleric that shared his weakness of secretly snacking on extra unconsecrated communion wafers while watching television at night... Cardinal Seth Taylor...His downfall came when he thought that the Church should move into the 21st century by having Jesus pictured on a treadmill instead of a cross...(Taylor was roughly removed from the ceremony)... Cardinal Bob Anna...Eliminated when he admitted that because of his dyslexia, he often would change the wine into water... After these gentlemen were dismissed, the waiting world was notified that no decision had been made by the traditional black smoke signal...It was pretty interesting on how they did this...The Speaker of The Church went to the big fireplace with a bunch of unnecessary items and sprayed them with a substance that caused them to burn black...Then, the expendable items (Springsteen Cd's and Raspberries 2019 reunion tickets) were thrown into a huge fire and the world was enlightened to the conclaves failures to elect... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx After a short break, in which I only had time to play ":Jesus Is Just Alright" by the Doobie Brothers...the election came to a bombastic conclusion... Cardinal Francis of Argentina bested all other finalists to become the new Pope of the Roman Catholic Church... There was one tense moment during his final interview: When the electing board realized that he was from Argentina, they held up a very seductive picture of our own scantily clad ec.com board member AndieMae...They wanted to test his intestinal fortitude as to any increased volume in the loin area...After three minutes of sedintary, unemotionally devoid responses, the board was satisfied that Francis was "lustless"...When asked if he thought AndieMae was attractive, Francis exclaimed, ":she's not nearly as fuego as her brother"...After a few awkward moments, he added, Only kidding":, which had the voting body fully in his control... After the white smoke signal was sent out to the awaiting world, it was time for a few closing remarks... Resigning Pope Benedict appeared and told the crowd that he would do whatever it took to make the transition seamless...(This was a point of major concern because the Church never had two living Pope's at the same time)... Then Pope Francis took the mic and hoped that the Church could resist the anarchistic ways of our modern times and go back to old fashion values and morals... As the conclave concluded, I was faced with a rather embarrassing mandate from the electorate board...I had to announce that a soundtrack of the festivities was now on sale near the exits to the cathedral... I proceeded to play some excerpts of this CD, which was written and recorded by Weird Al Yankovic... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx I only played the first three tracks and fortunately the crowd had left the building in a timely fashion...My night was done...But just in case you are interested the three songs were the following titles... One Pope Over The Line, Sweet Jesus Torn Between Two Pontiffs And to my chagrin, Eric's Popes Against The Current
  6. Bernie(in an attempt at an out of court settlement in the State vs. EC.com moderator case), has thrown me an olive branch by asking me to reinstate the monthly LewsLetter... So here is everything you may have recently missed... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx At his latest press conference, a CNN reporter asked President Biden if he planned on visiting Ukraine in the near future... Biden responded “As a matter of fact, we are heading to Pennsylvania right after this get together to make a speech at UCrane...My staff tells me it’s long overdue as the University of Crane is one of the top music schools in this country...A long list of extinguished graduates...” When It was pointed out to the Pres. that the reporter was asking about Ukraine in Europe, not UCrane the University in PA, Joe’s response was, “When did they move to Europe?...That damn Putin is always doing sneaky stuff...He’s still pissed because Georgia moved from Russia to the U.S.” In a further development, Biden announced a new sanction against Putin... ”We will no longer allow American citizens to play Russian Roulette in our country...This will not only stifle the Russian economy, but protect our Native American Indian casino businesses as they will be the only legal form of roulette allowed on our soil... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx In the past few weeks, we have been besieged with award shows and the yearly EC.com awards ceremonies have fallen through the cracks... To bring you up to date on some of the winners in the most prestigious categories, here is a list of victors... Category-“Most likely to put a pillow over someone’s face to snuff the very life out of them so that he could be the first one to post a R.I.P. notice on the board“..Winner-Matthew C. Clark... Category-“Most ridiculous claim of moderator credentials”-Winner-Lew Bundles... Category-Most boring social media page dedicated to Raspberries/Eric Carmen”-Winner-Marvin Matthews”Play On” Facebook page... Category-“Most likely to be arrested on a morals charge”-James(as it has been recently discovered that some applicants to the harem do not meet the 19 year old age requirement...Some of the applicants had dyslexia and when filling out the harem registration paperwork, they filled out their age as “71” when they were indeed only “17”...Their acceptance letters have recently been revoked... At this point, the awards ceremony cane to a sudden halt as SusieB launched a protest over the mishandling of Mr. Ed... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx In Eric Carmen news...he had been researching and writing a book on the history of musical instrunents... Sone of his most interesting discoveries.., The saxophone was originally invented by Alexander Graham Bell as a precursor to his telephone...Originally called the “sexophone”, Alexander would have Mrs. Graham Bell speak “naughtily”into the large open section of the horn while he would listen to her with the reed inserted into his pants... The triangle was invented by John Kennedy as his staff would strike it to warn the President and Miss Monroe whenever Jackie or Joe DiMaggio were on the White House premises... The harmonica was originally called the “whoremonica” after Monica Lewinsky but when it’s name was changed to mouth organ, Kamala Harris took credit for it’s invention.., And of course, not to be outdone, Donald Trump claimed that the trumpet was originally called the “Trumpette” for all the ladies he “bonked”in his lifetime... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx And on the litigation front-Fred Carmen(Eric’s brother) has filed a lawsuit against Eric where he claims he wrote the hit song Go All The Way”... As evidence, a copy of the Raspberries first album was presented to the judge... This copy had writing credits for the song listed as “F. Carmen”... When the judge asked to see the lp, he looked closely at the “F. Carmen” printing on the album and discovered that the bottom extender line on the letter “F” had been scraped away and the “E” now looked like an “F”... The judge dismissed the case and levied a fine of $100 Against brother Fred for stinking up his courtroom with the pungent “Scratch and Sniff” Raspberry odor... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx And how was your month?
  7. I have recovered the reel which was considered an alternate take for Godfather 2… Here it is… DON CORLEONE-“ The evening to settle all family business is here…Let’s go over your assignments and make sure everything is in place…Michael, did the invitations go out to the heads of the other families and their wives and have you booked the theater for tonight and does all their staff understand that they are “ill” for the evening and they are not to report to work? MICHAEL-“ “We are all set, father” DON- “And Tom how about your end of it”? TOM-“Johnny Fontaine will be at the theater this evening ready to “meat and greet” all of the other Don’s wives in the lobby while the Jew boy is on stage singing one of his crybaby songs CLEMENZA- “I will be in the box office and make sure no one gets in other than the families and their wives”… TESSIO- “I got plenty of the extra liquid to pour into the dames drinks…Guarantee that they will run to the bathroom to empty out their dolly holes…” PANTANGELI- I got my part ready to go…I usher all the heads to their seats, get their wives to the lobby to meet Fontaine, and come back and get ready to open the doors to let Sonny and the muscle in to take care of business”… LUCA-“…”Once the wives are in the powder room, I block the door to make sure they can’t get out to witness a thing” SONNY- “I got our tops guys ready to come in blasting” FREDO- “I got that photograph and will take care of my end of it..,” DON” Bastante-Make sure you all report back here at the end of the night…We have one more task that Fredo may need help on..,” LATER THAT EVENING… TOM-“Positions everyone “… THE EVENING WENT LIKE CLOCKWORK… ONE BY ONE-THEY ARRIVED AFTER THEY PASSED THROUGH THE BOX OFFICE WINDOW, CLEMENZA stepped to the front door and locked it making sure no one else entered… FRANKIE PANTANGELI USHERED THE MEN TO THEIR SEATS AND TOOK THE THEIR WIVES TO MEET AND HAVE DRINKS WITH HEARTTHROB JOHNNY FONTAINE… … TESSIO (THE BARTENDER) PILED ON THE LIQUID AND WITHIN A FEW MINUTES, THE FIRST MAFIA PRINCESS YELPED… WIFE-“ “I gotta piss like a race horse…Poor horse that they cut his head off and put him in that a-holes bed…He’ll never know how good it feels to piss again…Anybody wanna come with me?” WIVES IN UNISON-“We’ll all go” AFTER THE WIVES FILED INTO THE BATHROOM, LUCA BRAZI stepped in front of the bathroom door to make sure the women didn’t get out to witness their husbands massacre… ONCE PANTANGELI GOT BACK INTO THE THEATER TO TAKE HIS POSITION AT THE DOORWAY…TOM HAGEN TOOK THE STAGE TO START THE SHOW… TOM-“Good evening and welcome to Radio City Music Hall…Before Johnny Fontaine begins, we have a wonderful opening act, a singer that will absolutely knock you dead tonight…Let’s here it for Eric Carmelino…” ERIC- “Thank you”… STRACCI -“ This half a fag is making me cry” CUNIO WAS THE FIRST MOBSTER TO COMPLETELY BREAK DOWN… Followed by Stracci, DiTallia and Barzini… AS THE FAMILY DON’S REACHED FOR THEIR HANDKERCHIEFS, PANTANGELI SWUNG THE THEATER DOORS WIDE OPEN, LETTING SONNY AND HIS HIT MEN ENTER AND WITH AN ARRAY OF GUNFIRE, MOWED DOWN ALL THE HEADS OF THE RIVAL CRIME FAMILIES… SONNY-“Back to see pops, boys…” LATER THAT EVENING, BACK AT DON CORLEONE’S HOUSE…TOM TOLD THE DON THAT TODAY WE SETTLED ALL FAMILY BUSINESSDON CORLEONE-“Although, we have eradicated Cunio, Ditalia, Barzini and Stracci, we have one more piece of business to attend to..,Fredo, bring him in… FREDO-“ “Here he is boss…I picked him up outside Radio City trying to get into the show…Just like you said that he would show up… SONNY-“ “What the fuck is Neil Diamond doing here?”… DON-“His name is Bernie…Raspbernie… Every place that Carmen sings, I knew that this guy would try to show up.” BERNIE-““What do you guys want with me?… DON-“ It seems that we need a a favor from you…It seems that our friend Lew Bundles has been trying to be a moderator for your ericcarmen. Com website, but you continuously turn him down…Today-He becomes a moderator … BERNIE-“ And if I refuse?” DON-“Okay…Bring him in… THE DOOR SWINGS WIDE OPEN AND IN ENTERS WITH ball and chain… DON-““I know that you’ve been wondering why Batman disappeared from your website…Well, now you know…He is in our possession…If you don’t let Lew be a moderator, more will follow…Your call, Bernie…”Shall it be James next or your beloved Kirk?… HOLY PREDICAMENT…WILL BERNIE RISK THE DISAPPEARANCES OF JAMES, KIRK OR OTHERS…? IS THIS THE REAL REASON WHY HE MAY SHUT THE BOARD DOWN AGAIN…?
  8. I found a “lost episode” of when Wally and Eric visited Fantasy Island to settle their differences... TATTOO- Who do we have as our guests today, Mr . Rourke? MR. ROURKE- Unlike your little makeshift collection of beauties that you just presented as a band, we have two real American Rock and Rollers...Eric Carmen and Wally Bryson...Have you heard of them? TATTOO- Of course, I love the Raspberries and I especially love Wally...When the Raspberries broke up, he formed a new band and named it after me, TATTOO... MR. ROURKE- Well, you may have a special time this evening because they are here to iron out their differences...You see, my friend, for years these two have had a disagreement about writing credits for the song “Go All The Way”...Wally claims that he should have gotten co-writers credit and royalties for his contributions to the song while Eric claims that there was no one in the room with him when he composed this song...Let’s see if we can grant them their fantasy and work out this difficult situation for them... MR ROURKE- Greeting my friends and welcome to Fantasy Island... MR. ROURKE- After you get settled in, you are cordially invited to our Fantasy Lounge this evening and hopefully, we can resolve your difficulties... LATER THAT EVENING...AFTER SEVERAL DRINKS AT THE FANTASY BAR, WALLY AND ERIC, BOTH FEELING NO PAIN, DECIDED TO ADDRESS THEIR DIFFERENCE OF OPINION... WALLY- Well, Eric, let’s get to the reason that we are here...I feel that I am owed a lot of money because my guitar intro to Go All The Way made the song a hit, so I should get co- writing credits and some royalties... ERIC- I don’t deny that Wally...It was a great intro...But, you were part of the band and you receive performance royalties, but you did not write the song...I was All By Myself when I wrote the song but I don’t want No Hard Feelings between us...What is it that you want ?... WALLY...I Don’t Know What I Want, but I want it now... ERIC...How about if I write you a check for 30 grand...Will that take care of things? WALLY- Since you are making an offer, I MIGHT AS WELL give in and accept your offer... ERIC- Great...There is a bank here on the island...I’ll write a check to you, they can cash it and give you your money right now... THE TWO GUYS HEADED OVER TO THE FANTASY ISLAND BANK AFTER ERIC WROTE OUT A CHECK TO WALLY FOR THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS, , THE BANK OFFICIAL MADE A COUPLE OF CALLS, CERTIFIED THE CHECK AND PAID WALLY 30 THOUSAND DOLLARS IN ISLAND CURRENCY AND THE TWO FRIENDS LEFT, ARM AND ARM, VOWING TO BE BUDDIES FOREVER... LATER THAT DAY, AS THEY WERE READY TO LEAVE THE ISLAND, THE DUO TRACKED DOWN THEIR HOSTS, MR. ROURKE AND TATTOO AND SHARED WITH THEM THE GOOD NEWS... Mr. Rourke raised his glass and toasted the long time buddies and watched them board the plane for the trip back to the mainland... As the roar of the planes engines became louder, the plane started to ascend into the air with Mr, Rourke yelling out inaudibly...The boys were to soon find out what Mr. Rourke was trying to say to them... As the plane landed in Cleveland, the boys went their separate ways...Eric went home where his wife had a surprise for him...She had sold the home they had in Ohio, packed everything up and bought a beautiful house in Arizona ...Mrs.Carmen greeted her husband in the driveway of their former home, explained what she had done and the happy couple headed back to the airport to fly to their new home and live their golden years together in Arizona... on the drive back to the airport, Eric told Amy that they were 30, 000 dollars lighter...Amy had wondered why their account was short, but she didn’t care...It was all in their rear view mirror and they were about to start a new life... Meanwhile, Wally received his own surprise...Upon arrival at the airport, Wally visited the international money exchange booth ... It was explained to Wally that the money was worthless since Fantasy Island currency is not recognized as legal tender anywhere in the world, except that particular domain... Wally called Mr. Rourke when he got home and Mr. Rourke reminded him that once a guest leaves the island, the waiver that they had signed upon entering the country was now in effect...No reversal or addendums to the settlement reached on the island by visitors could be “rearranged, revisited or altered”...In essence, the “Party’s Over”... Wally hurriedly went to Eric’s house, but was greeted by the Patterson family, the home’s new inhabitants...Mr. Patterson explained that the Carmen’s sold them the house and left no forwarding address... Wally tried to call Eric but the phone was disconnected... In essence, Eric paid the money, Wally received it, but never got it...but the matter was over and never really settled... Wally promised that SOMEDAY, he would get his revenge and said to himself that he would get even with Eric if I ever get my HANDS ON YOU... Good night and thanks for watching/reading...
  9. When we last saw our rocker families, they were cast adrift after Gilligan inadvertently cast them away-leaving Gilligan’s Island… After a night on the open seas, our heroes were completely demoralized… But, as the next day began, hope sprang eternal.. WALLY-Get up, Eric…It’s sunrise…You wrote the song…Figure out where the hell we are… ERIC-I’m surprised that you are not trying to claim a co-write…Hey, wait a minute…I see land…Maybe, we’ll be saved after all… THE BOAT WASHES ASHORE ON UNFAMILIAR LAND…BUT IT IS VERY FAMILIAR TO SOME… First…a word from our sponser… And now, back to our adventure… WALLY-This place gives me the creeps…How the hell do we get out of here…? ERIC-Wait…Wally…I see a customer service center…Maybe they can help us…Stay with the girls and I’ll see what they can do for us… ERIC-Here we go…Exchanges and returns… ERIC-I’d like to speak to someone who specializes in returns…We need to be returned to Cleveland… Customer Service Rep…That’s a tall order sir…A bit complicated…You see, our returns department can’t perform that function without some kind of collateral…Do you have anything that we can barter or exchange? ERIC-Well, I can exchange a skill I have for a trip back home…I am a songwriter, piano player and singer…I have that talent that I don’t use anymore…Can I exchange that? Customer service rep…Many people come here and say that sir, but we hardly see any talented people here…We once had a fellow here called Bruce Springsteen and his claim of talent was laughable…But, if you insist, we have a piano over there…Suit yourself… As Eric sits down, he realizes that he hasn’t played piano in front of anyone for many years and he can’t remember how any of his songs go…But, he plods onward, but… Customer service rep…”Sir, that was horrible…To tell you the truth, you should be ashamed of yourself…If you were indeed talented at one point, to let it all go is a shame…I regret to inform you that even if you were the brightest of genius, we could not accept that as a legitimate barter or collateral…For you see, talent is a gift from God and it can’t be given back by a mere mortal…There are no receipts or sales slip that come with talent…You cannot give back what the Lord has given you…” As Eric heads dejectedly back to the boat to tell the others, he hitchhikes and asks for a ride back to the vessel… DRIVER-Are you All By Yourself? ERIC-(sighing)…Yes, I am… Suddenly, the car radio blasts the familiar strains of All By Myself and Eric yells to the driver… ERIC-Quick, turn the car around and bring me back to the customer service center… The driver turns the car around and heads back to the Customer service center… When they arrive, Eric jumps out of the car, pounds on the customer service door and yells, “This is me…Listen to the radio…This is what I really sound like” But to no avail…The sign on the door said it all…”I know it’s over…You know it’s over…We all have Great Expectations…Sorry, I hope there’s No Hard Feelings…” Eric headed back to the boat, broke the news to everyone and awaited their fate..
  10. WHEN WE LAST SAW OUR FABULOUS FOUR, THEY WERE SENT BY OZZIE NELSON(at his sons request) TO CAPE CANAVERAL, FL.,WHERE THE DAD’S YOUNGER BROTHER, CAPT/MAJOR TONY NELSON, CLAIMED THAT HIS GIRL COULD SET UP TRANSPORT HOME FOR OUR FRIENDS... AFTER ERIC EXPLAINED THE SITUATION, TONY BRINGS THEM TO HIS HOUSE AND WE PICK UP THE ACTION... TONY-“Well, that’s quite a journey you kids have been on...I’m sure my girl can help...She has a way of fulfilling dreams...Let me introduce you...Oh Jeanie, can you come here a minute?...” JEANIE-“You called master?...“ TONY-“Yes, these are friends of my brother Ozzie and I would like you to send them back home to Cleveland immediately...” JEANIE-“I can’t sir...Because of Covid, all flights here on Christmas Eve are cancelled and I cannot risk performing your command and being exposed...It will be investigated and it is bad for you, master...” TONY-“There must be something you can do...?” Jeanie-“There is only one person allowed to fly tonight...I will give him a call and see what he could do...” MOMENTS LATER, JEANIE RETURNS AND ANNOUNCED THAT HER FRIEND HAS CLEARANCE AND CAN HELP OUT...BUT, HE WOULD NEED A FAVOR IN RETURN... WALLY-“We will do anything...I personally guarantee it...Let’s get going...” JEANIE GATHERS THE FOUR TOGETHER AND IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, THEY ARE TRANSPORTED TO THE ONLY PERSON/PLACE TO GET THEM HOME THIS EVENING... MRS.SANTA-“ Hi guys”...Welcome to the North Pole...” ERIC- “It sure is cold here...Where’s Santa...?...It’s Christmas Eve...Shouldn’t we get moving?” MRS CLAUS-“SHH!!!!...He’s over there sleeping...There’s been a change in plans and we won’t be able to fly tonight...Donner, the reindeer, got injured and without another caribou to take his place, we can’t get that heavy sled loaded with all those presents and the four of you off the ground...” AMY-“But we told Santa we would help...”... JUST THEN, SANTA WOKE UP FROM HIS NAP AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION... KAY-“I have an idea” KAY WHISPERS INTO WALLY’S EAR AND HE THINKS IT COULD WORK... WALLY-“You can count on me, Santa”.. AFTER A FEW MINUTES, SANTA GOT HIS REINDEER TOGETHER AND THESE WORDS WERE SHOUTED FOR THE WORLD TO HEAR... SANTA-“On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, And VixenOn Comet, On Cupid, WALLY BRYSON And Blitzen... SANTA-“ MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE AND THANKS FOR WATCHING...
  11. WHEN WE LAST SAW OUR FRIENDS, THEY WERE BEING WHISKED BACK TO THE EMERALD CITY, BY ROCKY NELSTONE’S PERSONAL TRANSPORT SYSTEM... WHEN THEY HAVE ARRIVED, ERIC CHECKS TO MAKE SURE THAT HE HAS THE NOTE THAT ROCKY TOLD HIM TO TAKE TO HIS DAD, OZZIE... NELSTONE WAS ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN THAT HIS FATHER COULD HELP...HERE’S WHERE WE PICK UP THE STORY... ERIC-“Well, here we are...Back in the Land of Oz...We have to find Ozzie Nelson and give him this note...Let’s ask that guy over there where we can find him...Excuse me, sir?” OSSIE DAVIS- “Yes, can I help you?“ WALLY-“Can you tell us where Ozzie Nelstone is? AMY-“It’s NELSON not NELSTONE...Sorry, Mr. Davis but you probably couldn’t understand him because he was chewing his cud...” OSSIE-“That’s udderly alright...If you want to find Ozzie Nelson, just follow the yellow brick road... AS THE COUPLE SET OFF ON THEIR JOURNEY TO FIND OZZIE NELSON...THEY ARE SUDDENLY CONFRONTED BY AN OBSTACLE... KAY-“Oh no, it’s those flying monkeys...Don’t hurt us...They probably don’t understand us...We need somebody big and strong to knock them out of the way...” SUDDENLY, A FIGURE JUMPS OUT OF THE FORREST TO HELP... ERIC-“Wow!!! It’s Ozzie Newsome...He used to play for our home team Cleveland Browns...Ozzie, can you help a few Clevelandites, get to the Emerald City?”... OZZIE NEWSOME-“Sure, follow me.. “ NEWSOME LUNGES FORWARD AND KNOCKS THE MONKEYS OUT OF THE WAY... OZZIE:”Run, kids...I got most of the monkey’s out of the way...There’s just one left”... AS THE FOURSOME MAKE A RUN FOR IT, THEY TURN AROUND AND SEE THE ONE MONKEY LEFT BEHIND... WHEN OUR PAL’S GET TO THE EMERALD CITY, THEY ARE MET BY JUST THE MAN THAT THEY WERE LOOKING FOR... AFTER THEY EXPLAIN TO MR. NELSON ABOUT THE NOTE THAT RICKY GAVE THEM...OZZIE ASKS FOR THE NOTE AND READS IT... OZZIE PULLS A CELLPHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND MAKES A CALL... OZZIE-“Hello, is this my favorite brother...?” THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE PHONE IS INDISCERNIBLE TO OUR FOURSOME, SO THEY JUST LISTEN TO OZZIE’S PART OF THE CONVERSATION... OZZIE-“ “They need to get back to the States and your favorite nephew said you could help them... “Oh...She can’t get them back to Cleveland right now because the country is closed to flights from international countries...?..,I see...But, they are citizen’s...Well no, they can’t prove it because all their i.d’s, passports and driver’s liscences have all been lost during their ordeal... OK...Then why don’t we go the other route...?...Let’s just say that they are undocumented immigrants...That will surely gain them access to the country...We’ll fly them into the government facility near you...No one will even know that they are there...The regular citizens don’t have access to government buildings...Then, my brother, you still work for the government, correct ?...You pick them up there at the government place, get them out and have your girl get them on their way home...It’s a perfect plan.. Remember, brother, there are three sets of laws in this country...1 is for the illegals...The second is for government people and the third and the harshest is for all the citizens...Thanx, brother...I owe you one...”OH, and please be there to meet them...I don’t want this thing to go wrong”... OZZIE-“It’s all set...Since our fearlous leader is out on tour, I am the second in command and I can grant you your wish...” ERIC-“What do we wish for?” OZZIE-“ Grant me the power of OZZY over your affairs...And I’ll take care of it...” ERIC and AMY- “You got it Mr. Nelson...” OZZIE- “Stand back kids...I hope no “Fools Rush In” and get in our way... “AS ACTING WIZARD, I ALLOW THESE FOUR PEOPLE TO BE TRANSPORTED TO CAPE CANAVERAL IN FLORIDA WHERE THEY WILL MEET MY BROTHER, TONY, WHO WILL ARRANGE FOR THE FINAL PART OF THEIR JOURNEY...” AND JUST LIKE THAT , THEY WERE AT THEIR NEW DESTINATION, CAPE CANAVERAL, WITH OZZIE’S BROTHER, ASTRONAUT CAPTAIN/MAJOR TONY NELSON THERE TO GREET THEM...... STAY TUNED FOR THE EXCITING CONCLUSION TO OUR SERIES...
  12. WHEN WE LAST SAW OUR HERO’S, THEY WERE DESPERATELY AWAITING BERNIE’S RETURN PHONE CALL TO ERIC... ERIC-“C’mon Bernie...Call me back...You may be our only hope of getting back home...I know you can get a photo of Larry Tate with a milk moustache... BUT BERNIE WAS TOO BUSY CO-OPERATING WITH F.B.I’s INVESTIGATION INTO SEXUAL DISCRIMINATION ON HIS WEBSITE BECAUSE A MEMBER OF HIS ONLINE COMMUNITY ONLY TAKES FEMALE APPLICATIONS TO HIS HAREM... LARRY TATE-“Here’s the deal...I’m not waiting for Hogya to call back...I’m gonna leave and I am not happy... If I don’t get my photo with a milk moustache, Lobster Lvr will not get his promotion and this may cost Darrin his job...Goodnight...” AFTER TATE AND LOBSTER LVR LEAVE, DARRIN COMES UP WITH AN IDEA... DARRIN-“Samantha, I got an idea...Can I talk to you alone for a minute?” SAM-“Sure”.., DARRIN-“I know that I Don’t want you to use your powers anymore, but do you think that just this once, you can “twitch” these two families home”?...I’ll handle Larry...Just help these people out...“ SAMANTHA-“I can‘t...Remember, ever since I got Covid, I lost my sense of twitch...” DARRIN-“Oh, I forgot...Well, let’s go break the news to our guests...” AFTER THE STEVENS’ RE-ENTER THE LIVING ROOM...DARRIN BREAKS THE NEWS... DARRIN-“Sorry kids, but we can’t help you” SUDDENLY, WALLY BRYSON CHIMES IN... WALLY-“I’m crazy and I don’t give a shit...The Party’s Over...I’ve watched enough television in my lifetime and I know what goes on here...She’s a witch and she can just twitch us back...” AFTER SAM EXPLAINS THE LOSS OF POWERS DUE TO COVID..,WALLY PIPES UP AGAIN... WALLY-“How about that creepy mother of yours”... SAM-“Mother?...” ENDORA-“Here I am...” ENDORA-“I heard the whole thing...As much as I would like to help you and Dagwood, I’m late for a luncheon on the French Riviera with REAL musicians... The guys from Sweet...Ta Ta”... WITH A FLICK OF HER WRIST, ENDORA VANISHES... DARRIN-“That went well...We have one more chance ...How about Your Aunt Clara?” SAM-Darrin!!! At her age, things could go very wrong...You know how confused she can get?” ERIC and WALLY IN UNISON-“We are willing to take that chance” SAM-“Ok...Aunt Clara...Could you come here please?” AUNT CLARA-“Here I am...” AFTER AUNT CLARA IS BRIEFED ON HER ASSIGNMENT, SHE AGREED TO TRY... CLARA-“Just write down the names of where you want me to send these dear people” SO DARRIN WRITES ON A PIECE OF PAPER THE TWO DESTINATIONS... DARRIN”Either Cleveland(where the Bryson’s live or Arizona(where the Carmen’s live)...Either of those destinations are good... they’ll take it from there... CLEVELAND OR AZ... CLARA-“Darrin, could you please hold the paper steady for me?.., UNFORTUNATELY , AS DARRIN HOLDS THE PAPER FOR AUNT CLARA, HIS FINGERS BLOCK SOME OF THE LETTERS AND ALL SHE SEES IS... LAND O Z CONFUSED, she dispenses them to the Emerald City, so stay tuned for the next installment of “The Carmen’s and Bryson’s In The Land Of Oz Entitled- WE’RE NOT IN CLEVELAND ANYMORE”...
  13. WHEN WE LAST SAW OUR ROCKER FRIENDS, THEY WERE IN THE LAND OF OZ WHEN THE WIZARD was willing to grant them one wish...But, first, they had to attend a celebrity rock concert in the Emerald City which featured Charlie Watts and Brian Jones... WALLY inadvertently blurted out that he would love to play with the Stones and his wish was granted and our foursome was quickly whisked away to the home of the Stones... HERE’S WHERE WE PICK UP THE ACTION... ERIC-“Holy cow...Where the hell are we and who are these weird looking people” WALLY-“Can we talk to you guys for a second”? AMY- “Don’t open your mouth ever again, Wally...We are in this place because of you...Let Eric get everything done like he did in the Raspberries days...Go over there and graze with your fellow livestock... ERIC-“Stop Amy, we are in this together”...Let’s see if we can get those people to help us...“Excuse me...Can you spare a couple of seconds?...” AFTER PROPER INTRODUCTIONS, THEY EXPLAINED THEIR PREDICAMENT... FRED-“Hey wait a minute...I recognize you guys...Your Eric Caveman and Wally Brimstone from the Raspboulders... I will try to help you tomorrow if you guys would do us the honor of playing in our holiday concert tonight...” ERIC AND WALLY: “ABSOLUTELY...” THE CREE MADE THEIR WAY OVERB TO THE CONCERT HALL: BARNEY-“HERE WE ARE GUYS...” “The Hardly Rock Cafe... The show is about to start...Why don’t you guys go backstage and get ready?... THE SHOW BEGINS... WILMA- “These opening acts always stink” LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:WE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE QUARRYMEN... BARNEY: “You’re right Wilma...These guys will never make it... AFTER THE QUARRYMEN FINISH THEIR SET, THE NEXT ACT HITS THE STAGE... FRED...”Well, that was great...Here comes Ann Margrock” BARNEY-Whoa boy...”That girl can really sing... one more act before the Raspboulders...Rocky Nelstone...” BETTY-“Okay...Even though I love that dreamy Rocky Nelstone...I just love the Raspboulders...Come on...let’s get closer to the stage do we can dance...” AFTER THE SHOW WAS OVER, THE BOYS TRACK DOWN ROCKY NELSTONE... ERIC: ERIC-Ricky, we just saw you a little while ago in Oz...How did you get here so fast?” ROCKY: I got my ways...How did you guys get here...? Wally started to explain to Nelstone their situation when Rocky yells out in pain... ROCKY: “Back up Brimstone: You almost poked my out my eye with your antlers...” ERIC-“I’m sorry about Wally...He didn’t mean it...If he doesn’t get milked everyday, he gets ornery...Anyway, can you help us?... ROCKY: SURE CAN...Go back to Oz and see my dad...Give him this note and he’ll help you out...I would call him but they don’t have telephones yet here...” ROCKY SLIPS ERIC A PIECE OF PAPER WITH A NOTE WRITTEN ON IT... ERIC:-“Thanx? But how do we get back to Oz...?” ROCKY-“Wait right here...You can use the service who bring me back and forth...Hey...Here they are now..,” AMY-“Thanx, Ricky, I mean Rocky...Can Wally come along or is there a maximum tonnage?.. KAY-“Cut the shit, Kewpie..Let’s go...” SO OFF THEY GO WITH GRORGE JETSON AT THE HELM...AS ERIC UNFOLDS THE NOTE, HE WONDERS ALOUD WHY CAN’T THE JETSON’S JUST FLY THEM TO AMERICA INSTEAD OF BACK TO OZ... GEORGE JETSON “With all the weight(ahem) in this vehicle we could never clear the Rocky Mountains... WHAT IS ON THAT NOTE THAT ROCKY NELSTONE GUARANTEES THE CREWS LONG JOURNEY WILL FINALLY END ...? Stay tuned For our next exciting adventure...
  14. WHEN WE LAST SAW OUR HERO’S, THEY WERE INADVERTENTLY SENT TO A DESTINATION, BY AUNT CLARA OF BEWITCHED FAME, THAT MAY BE TOO MUCH TO HANDLE...OR IS IT EXACTLY WHAT THEY NEEDED... ERIC-“Wow, where the hell are we”? AMY-“Let’s take a look...” WALLY-“Holy cow...Let’s go out there and see if we can figure how to get out of here...” AS THE FOURSOME HEAD OUTSIDE, THEY RUN INTO A BEAUTIFUL LADY... KAY-“Hey? Who are you”... BEAUTIFUL LADY-“I’m Glinda and welcome to the Land of Oz”... ERIC-“Please help us...We are trying to get back home to Cleveland but through a series of circumstances, we ended up here... GLINDA-“All you have to do is follow the yellow brick road and the great Wizard of Oz will grant you one wish...So now you know...Just follow the yellow brick road...TaTa...” ALL FOUR-“Let’s follow the yellow brick road...” AS THE FOUR SET OUT ON THEIR JOURNEY TO OZ, THEY ENCOUNTER A GENTLEMAN... WALLY-“Hey sir, can you help us? My name is Wally and this is my wife Kay...and this is Eric and his wife Amy...and who are you ?... MAN...I’m Dr. Oz and you are in the Land of Oz... AFTER OUR FOURSOME EXPLAIN THEIR DILEMMA, DR. Oz tells them to simply follow the yellow brick road... ... AFTER OUR HERO’S HEAD OFF TO FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, THEY ENCOUNTER ANOTHER GENTLEMAN... GENTLEMAN...”Ah, hi kids...Welcome to the land of Oz.. ... ERIC-Hey it’s Ozzie Nelson...Ricky’s dad...” OZZIE-“Oh, you guys know my son...Just follow the yellow brick road and you will meet him... WALLY-“Thanks Oz...Nice to meet you...” THE FOURSOME CONTINUE ONWARD AND MEET THEIR NEXT PERSON... ERIC-“Hey, look who we have here”... NEXT GENTLEMAN-“Hi guys... “I’m Ozzie Smith...Former baseball player known as Wizard of Oz...” AMY-“ AMY-“So you are the famous Wizard of Oz that will help us?” OZZIE SMITH-“”No-Follow the yellow brick road and he will help you...“ AS OUR HERO’S FOLLOW THE GOLDEN BRICKS, IT SUDDENLY COMES TO THEIR ATTENTION THAT THIS MIGHT BE SOME KIND OF JOKE... ERIC-“So far, everybody’s name is Oz and they keep telling us to follow the yellow brick road...I hope we don’t find Elton John...” WALLY-“It’s too late to turn back now...” ERIC-“Oh great...That could be the joke...Maybe we’ll find Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose...Tee Hee”... AS THE FOURSOME REACH THEIR DESTINATION, THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR AND ARE AMAZED AT THEIR GREETER... DOORMAN-“Welcome kids, come on in...Welcome to the Land of Oz”... AFTER THEY EXPLAIN THEIR DILEMMA, THEY ARE ASSURED BY OZZY OSBOURNE THAT GLINDA, THE GOOD WITCH WAS ABSOLUTELY CORRECT... OZZY-“But first, We have a big concert here tonite and you kids can be my guest...After the show, I will grant Whatever your wish is...” WALLY AND ERIC-“We are musicians too... We will really enjoy this...” OZZY-“Come with me backstage and you can see our performers for tonight...” WHEN THEY WALK BACKSTAGE, THEY ARE IN AWE OF WHO THEY SEE... ... ... WALLY-“This is incredible, Lennon, Harrison, David Bowie, Ricky Nelson and two members of my favorite all time band, Brian Jones and Charlie Watts of The Rolling Stones...We wish we could play with the Stones...” OZZY-Well, I told you that you had one wish and you’re wish is my command...You can play with the Stones...” ERIC”-No, that’s not the wish we wanted...We wish to go back home..” BUT IT WAS TOO LATE...THEIR DREAM WAS ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE... OZZY-“Goodbye and hope you have fun playing with the Stones...Yabba Dabba Doo” STAY TUNED FOR OUR NEXT EPISODE WHERE ERIC AND WALLY GET TO JAM WITH THE STONES, FRED AND BARNEY...
  15. When we last left the Carmen’s and Bryson’s they had been asked to leave their Love Boat cruise for general disruption …As they were deployed to another vessel off of the Love Boat, they boarded the wrong vessel… The Love Boat Crew, realizing what had happened, set out to find the rockers and their families… …Excitedly, Captain Stubing shouted,” “I think that’s Wally up ahead” But Gopher responded, “No, that’s a porpoise…Wally is much larger”… As nighttime settled in, the crew of the Love Boat called off their search… … But, all was not lost as our mates ended up here…… in case you don’t know anything about this island or it’s inhabitants, let’s give you a brief history… Here’s where we pick up the action… Eric-“Where the hell are we, Wally ?…And are the girls alright?… Wally-They are ok…They are sitting on a piece of driftwood from our mangled boat… Eric-Hey, there are some folks…Maybe, they can help us…“Hi kids, I’m the skipper…This is the Professor, The Howell’s, Ginger, Gilligan, and Mary Ann…Who are you guys and how did you get here?…Don’t pay any attention to those two other geeks… WALLY…Oh God…What kind of guys would wear grass skirts? ERIC-“Forget them, Wally…I’m Eric…That’s Wally and his wife Kay…My wife, Amy, is laying down near our shipwrecked boat…She’s a little dizzy from the trip…” KAY- “She’s dizzy just from the trip?…Seems to have started way before this,like when she married you” ERIC-“Let’s not start, Kay…We need to work together to find a way out of here…”Here guys, is a picture of Amy… PROFESSOR-“Was Amy a meteorologist or weather girl”? Maybe, she can figure out a perfect time to set sail and get us out of here…I’ll plan the coordinates, Skipper and Gilligan can fix your boat, if it’s not too heavily damaged, Ginger can hit on Eric, The Howell’s can rearrange their mothballs and Mary Ann can wear shorts…” FAST FORWARD ONE WEEK: PROFESSOR-“Ok, the boat is fixed…And I’ve printed up the coordinates to get the vessel back to the States…Now , we just need Amy to figure out the right time to launch… KAY-“Relax, Wally…he said LAUNCH, not LUNCH…” SKIPPER- Ok, Amy…It all depends on you… AMY- “From what I can tell, tomorrow morning at 5:00 A.M. would be the perfect time to synchronize with the Professors charts”…… SKIPPER- Okay great…Here’s the plan…The boat is all set, but it only fits five…Wally, Kay, Eric and Amy, it will be you four plus Gilligan…Since the boat probably couldn’t handle both Wally and my gross tonnage at the same time and Gilligan is the only other person here capable of navigation, my little buddy will set sail with them… THE NEXT MORNING AT 4:45… SKIPPER…”Let’s go over the plan one more time…At 5:00, pull up anchor, follow the Professor’s map…and when you reach the mainland, contact authorities, show them the Professors coordinates and they’ll be able to figure out where we are and they can come rescue us…Any questions?” GILLIGAN-“But Skipper, You said when I reach Maine, call the authorities…I thought we were landing in California, not Maine…I’m getting all confused…” SKIPPER-“NOT MAINE…THE MAINLAND…THAT’S CALIFORNIA…” GILLIGAN-“When did they move Calif. to Maine…?” SKIPPER- “I hope you’re only joking…Now, get going…We are counting on you”… 10 MINUTES LATER, GILLIGAN BOARDS THE BOAT WITH THE COUPLES… GILLIGAN-“All aboard…Get ready…Directly to Calif.” ERIC-“ No stops…Go All The Way…” GILLIGAN-“I used to love that song Go All The Way…It was my junior prom song…It was by the Raspberries…” ERIC-“That was us…We were in the Raspberries” WALLY-“ Eric and I wrote that song” ERIC-“Don’t start, Wally” GILLIGAN-“ I knew you guys looked familiar…Can I have your autograph?…”Here, I got a piece of paper right here… ERIC- “Gilligan, those are the Professors charts…Don’t you have anything else we could sign?” MINUTES LATER… GILLIGAN- “SKIPPER…SKIPPER…” SKIPPER- What’s wrong…Why aren’t you on the boat? …It’s 5:A.M…” GILLIGAN-“Skipper, Those guys were the Raspberries…You know my favorite song GO ALL THE WAY…I got their autograph…here- look…You would have been so proud of me…I was smart enough not to have them sign and ruin the Professors notes…So I had them sign this… SKIPPER- YOU HAD THEM SIGN A ROPE?…Where did you get the rope? GILLIGAN-“ It was lying next to the boat, so I just grabbed it and…uh oh…oh boy…That was the rope that we were using to keep the boat anchored to the dock”… SKIPPER” Correct…and now the boat has shipped off to the mainland without a navigator aboard”… GILLIGAN-“ Maine…I thought they were going to Calif.” SKIPPER-“You idiot…Now we’ll never get rescued” Stay tuned for our next episode of the Carmen’s and the Bryson’s to see where their voyage ends up…
  16. WHEN WE LAST SAW OUR ROCKER FRIENDS, THEY WERE TURNED AWAY FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE AND SENT BACK ON THEIR JOURNEY IN AN ATTEMPT TO FIND THEIR WAY BACK HOME… AFTER SEVERAL DAYS ADRIFT, THEY APPROACHED A NAVIGABLE WATERWAY… LET US BEGIN… WALLY-“Where the hell are we” ERIC-“I think I see a sign” ERIC-“Amy…From your days as a weather girl, do you remember where on a map the Long Island Sound is…? AMY-“Let me see if I can visualize it”…”Yes…I can see the map now in my head” AMY-“It’s way over there…It’s a body of water between New York and Connecticut… Unlike a body of flab like Wally…” WALLY-“That’s enough, Amy…We agreed to stop with the insults” AMY-“I’m sorry, Walrus, I mean Wally” KAY-“You’re lucky he can’t hear too good…He’s got cataracts..“ AMY-“Cataracts ?…Did you go to public school, Kay? WALLY-“I hate to tell you guys, but the Party’s Over”…We are drifting on-shore…” AFTER THE BOAT LANDS ON A BEACH, THE 4 SET OUT TO GET SOME HELP… ERIC-“Hey guys, I see a sign…It might tell us where we are”… KAY-“Welcome to Westport…The little picture at the top of the sign says Connecticut…Well, at least we are in America”… AMY-“Public school education paying off… ERIC-“Hey, there’s a house over there…Let’s see if they can help us”… ERIC-“Hmm, 1164 Morning Glory Circle…That sounds very familiar…” WALLY-“Let’s take a peek inside…” KAY-“It’s the Steven’s family” ERIC-“Girls stay outside for a minute…Wally and I will go in and try to figure out if we can get some help”… GLADYS KRAVITZ-“Hey Abner…There’s four girls at the Steven’s house…Come here…takes a look… ABNER-“That’s not four girls…It’ s two girls and two rock and roll type guys…Look how dirty they look…Probably looking for a hand-out…You need to get your cataracts cleared up…” GLADYS-“What’s cataracts?…Stop using those big words… I went to public school, you know”… MEANWHILE, ERIC AND WALLY KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOOR… DARRIN-“Who the hell can that be”? DARRIN-“Can I help you”? WALLY AND ERIC TELL THEM THE WHOLE STORY AND DARRIN SAYS HE’S BUSY IN A BUSINESS MEETING AND REALLY CAN’T HELP… SUDDENLY, DARRIN’S BOSS, LARRY TATE, AND ANOTHER MAN EMERGE TO SEE WHAT’S GOING ON… LARRY-“Darrin, hurry up we have to finish our business meeting…”Get these bum’s out of here……………”.. … DARRIN-“Sorry, can’t help you guys”… SUDDENLY, THE MAN ACCOMPANYING LARRY TATE TO THE DOOR YELLS OUT.. ADDITIONAL MAN-“Eric, Wally?…Is that you?” ERIC AND WALLY TOGETHER”-“Dave Shea…LobsterLuver…What are you doing here?” LOBSTER-“I moved to Westport Conn. a few years back when I got a job with Larry Tate’s advertising company”… LARRY TATE-“Wait a minute…You guys all know each other?” DAVE SHEA AKA LOBSTERLVR…”Yea…We all met through Bernie Hogya’s website, Ericcarmen.com”…This is Eric Carmen and Wally Bryson of Raspberries… LARRY TATE-“ “Hold on a minute…I don’t know Raspberries from Cranberries, but did you say Bernie Hogya?” ERIC-“Yea, he runs my website…How do you know Bernie? LARRY -“Are you kidding me?…He is legendary in our business…We are an advertising company and he created GOT MILK…Can you call him up and get him to do a photo shoot with me with a GOT MILK mustache…?…It will mean a big promotion for your friend Lobsterman…” ERIC-“I’ll call him right now”… ERIC-“Damn answering machine…”HELLO, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF BERNIE HOGYA…I AM CURRENTLY AWAY FROM MY DESK OR OUT TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO DISCONTINUE EC.COM…PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE”… ERIC-“Bernie, It’s Eric…Call me back as soon as you can…Wally and I need a favor” WILL BERNIE RETURN ERIC’S CALL?…WILL BERNIE OBLITERATE THE BOARD AGAIN? STAY TUNED FOR PART 2 ENTITLED “A TWITCH IN TIME”?
  17. I saw some old posts getting bumped today that were mostly humorous takes on current events, bandmembers, EC.com Members, celebrities, etc. and thought that I should have more tags available for posters so that we can search more efficiently for content. So, starting today, I've added "Humor" to the rather short list of tags. I'll add more in the future. Suggestions for new tags are welcome. Anyone posting content of a humorous, satirical, or otherwise knee-slapping nature should include the "Humor" tag, so that if anyone is looking for a laugh they can search for it that way instead of needing to scour through 62 million pages of posts. Moderators feel free to tag posts (past and present) with the "Humor" tag as they see fit. Including any post by Lew where he asks to be Moderator. 😄
  18. Captain...”Welcome aboard folks...It is a pleasure to have you aboard our Love Boat Cruise...Let me introduce you to our special crew that will personally attend to all your needs... I am Captain Stubing and this is our cruise attendant Julie and our bartender Isaac...You will be in good hands...Julie, please see Mr and Mrs Carmen to their rooms as well as Wally and Kay Bryson” Julie..“.Come right this way , ladies and gents...We will give you a chance to freshen up and then you can join us in our lounge for some drinks before dinner” Eric...”Thank you very much...We’ll see you guys in a little bit” Wally...”Thanks...Catch you guys in an hour...In the bar...” After an hour, the two couples convene in the Love Boat Lounge... Eric...”Any chance, Isaac you can make a special drink for me and my friends”? Isaac...”Sure...Four Raspberry martinis...Coming up...” After the couples have a few drinks, it was fireworks time... Kay...”Eric, you have a daughter...How the hell can you endorse a piece of shit like Donald Trump when he doesn’t respect women?...All that talk about grabbing their p***ies...Disgusting... Eric...”Kay, what the hell are you talking about?...You married a guy that sang “How I’d like to put my hands on you...Down below, I’ve got my hands on you...Bring your friend I want her too”... Wally...”hey Eric...Lay off Kay...That was a long time ago...Before your wife was even born...Where’d you meet her?...At Chuck-E-Cheese? Amy...”F you, Wally...Why’d you marry Kay?...Yoko was already taken?.. Wally...”The only reason he married you was that he had no other cousins left... Eric...”At least her ass doesn’t feel like burlap... Kay...”At least my husband doesn’t look like Joan Van Ark? Eric...Yea, he looks like Weeb Eubanks instead... Wally...”Hey Amy, is your dad gonna pick you up when we get back? Amy...“He’ll be parked right behind your hearse...” Kay...”I think you had too many vodka and pedialytes, honey... Amy...At least I ain’t drinking Vodka and prune juice... Captain...”What the hell is going on here?...We don’t tolerate that kind of behavior here...We will have to kindly ask you people to leave...We have a small boat that we use to dispatch belligerents to shore...Please follow me...It is a small boat that will proceed very slowly and safely with the current, not against it Mr. Carmen... As the two couples are loaded onto the small vessel, the crew waved goodby... Unfortunately, our unhappy couples did not realize the boat that they actually boarded... To be continued...Good night...
  19. I don’t remember where I got this alternate take of the movie, The Godfather, but it seemed that Eric played a key part in the original version….Unfortunately, it was never used and has not seen the light of day -til now… Relax and enjoy… Don Corleone-“I have called you all here today to implement my plan to settle all family business..I have spent the past few days finalizing the role that each and everyone of you will be responsible to perform…We need total cooperation and when it is concluded, we will be the only family left…We will be in total control.. Let’s begin…” First, let me introduce to you a key player that you may not be familiar with… “Gentlemen, this is Eric Carmen”… ERIC-“Hi guys…” SONNY- “Pop, you gotta be kidding…You bring in a Jew Boy to help in our plan?… He’ll be bringing gefilte fish in here and stinking the joint up like that freakin’ Raspberries album that stunk like fruit…By the way, he looks like a little fruity…Have you gone loco, pop… The DON- “Santino…That’s enough…Now, we are gonna send invitations to the heads of the other families, inviting them and their wives to attend a special private concert with meet and greet with Johnny Fontaine…The wives will be all sorts of wet at this opportunity so we are guaranteed that they will bust their husbands cannolis and the men will have to bring them to the concert.” SONNY-““And where does this Heeb fit in?” THE DON-“Santino-Your hot head is gonna get you in trouble someday…Be patient…I will explain…Your job, Santino, is to provide the muscle for the evening…Michael, you will be in charge of lining up the theater for the night…And arrange for all their staff to be “ill” for the evening and our men will work the “event”…Got it, Michael?” MICHAEL-“ “Got it, Pop”… THE DON- “Clemenza-you will work the box office…Once our guests have all arrived, you lock the door and stay there to make sure no one else comes in or leaves… CLEMENZA-“ ”Got it, Don Corleone…” THE DON-“ “Tessio-“You will work the bar…Make sure you put extra liquid in the wives drinks…Got it ? TESSIO-“ “You can count on me, Godfather…” SONNY-“ ”Pop-you still haven’t explained how this half fag enters into the picture”.. THE DON-“Here’s how the evening unfolds…Our guests arrive and are escorted to their seats by Frankie Pantangeli After they are seated, Frankie stands at the exit doors in the theater as Tom makes an announcement from the stage that Johnny Fontaine is in the lobby waiting to meet all the ladies while the men(who are happy to dump their wives for a while,) can stay behind and enjoy the opening act, Eric Carmenini…We fix him up and make him look like one of us.. The wives get up and head to the lobby to meet Fontaine…Our bartender, Tessio gets the ladies all “liquid up” so that one of them will eventually have to go to the ladies room…You guys know how the women are…Once one goes to the bathroom, they all go together… Once they are “powdering their nose, Luca Brazi, steps in front of the door of the bathroom to make sure the dames can’t get out.., At this point, Mr.” Carmenini “ starts singing one of those sissy songs that he wrote…The heads of the families start to get tears in their eyes which blurs up their vision…They take out their handkerchiefs to wipe their eyes Tessio opens up the theater doors, Santino comes in with our boys and open fire and before the guys get a chance to clear their eyes, they’ll be blasted away…They’ll never know what hit ‘em….Everybody clear? FREDO-“What about me, pop?..What can I do?… THE DON- “I have a special job for you…Fredo, my son..,Everybody leave the room…Except the femme singer and Fredo… AFTER THEY ALL LEAVE THE ROOM. THERE IS ONLY THE DON, ERIC AND FREDO LEFT… THE DON-“Girly man…Did you bring the picture that I asked you to get? ERIC-“ “I got the picture and stop calling me names…I’m not gay… THE DON-“ ”Then give the picture to Fredo and cut your hair before the show…Don’t disappoint me, “Carmenini”…Now get out of here and let me talk to Fredo…” ERIC LEAVES THE ROOM AND LEAVES FREDO WITH THE DON.. THE DON-“Here’s your assignment Fredo..,Take this picture, study it and I’ll tell you what to do”… FREDO- “Okay…” STAY TUNED FOR THE EXCITING, SURPRISE CONCLUSION…
  20. Through a lot of investigation, I found out that EC is recording an album of duets with other singers...Here is the track listing so far... 1.) Let’s Pretender- with the Platters and Chrissie Hynde... 2.) Boats Against The Voltage-with AC/DC... 3.) It Hurts To Munch- with Jeffry Dahmer... 4.) I Saw The Light-with Todd Rundgren... (a fistfight broke out between EC and Todd as Rundgren insisted on recording his version which he claims was the original...Cooler heads prevailed and they ended up recording a conciliatory song, No Hard Feelings... But even though there is no official version of I Saw The Light, the rumors of their recording sparked a couple of recording giants to send in their tunes in hopes of making the final cut... Ray Charles offered I Didn’t See The Light while Sonny Bono Submitted “I Didn’t See The Tree”... 5.) Guy Girl was performed by Eric and Ru Paul and Kaitlin Jenner And the chemistry was so spectacular that they performed another song together... The Way We Used To Be... 7.) Marathon Man-great vocal by the queen of Marathons, Rosie Ruiz 8.) Cruisin’ Music-A highlight of the lp recorded by Eric, Richard Simmons, Liberace and Ellen Degenerate... ... 9.) Change of Heart was performed by Dr. Christian Barnard... And closing out the album was the title track... 10.) Desperate Fools with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Ilhan Omar... Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx During the recording of this album a “Cease and Desist” order came in from a judge that was requested by the family of famous author Charles Dickens’ over the recording of Great Expectations... The order insisted that the author’s family should share in any royalties since “Great Expectations” was copyrighted many years ago since it was the title of a Dickens novel... Eric and his lawyer, brother Fred Carmen , ( who was working pro-bono for some reason), found a loop hole and brought in famous illusionist and magician David Copperfield to sing on the recording with EC...Since David Copperfield(the title of another Dickens masterpiece) was actually involved in the performance, the judge ruled in EC’s favor, and by virtue of Copperfield’s prescence, the “cease and desist” order magically disappeared... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx On the Joe Biden front, cinco de Mayo brought on a whole flurry of Presidential edicts by the man himself... Biden declared, in honor of the Mexican holiday, “ every citizen of this country would receive a free container of “Spic and Span” and a free psychologist visit for everyone who suffers from the dreaded debilitating anxiety and His-panic attacks”... Also, Biden reassured the people of our country that inflation and our economy are not that bad and that the President himself, just got pre-approved, for a loan for a full tank of gas... In another development, Dr. Fauci claims that science is making great strides in COVID vaccination as his department discovered that insects are immune from the pandemic disease because they have “ant-ibodies...” And how was your month...?
  21. Few are called, even fewer are chosen. I thought I'd take the time to enumerate the many advantages Kirk, LC and myself share since we are Moderators: 1. Keys to the executive bathroom 2. EricCarmen.com 401(k) match 3. Use of the company car 4. Two weeks paid vacation 5. Free beer
  22. This letter is being delivered by a Marshall today to Bernie and Kirk so I ask everyone to please cease and desist from mentioning Lew and his possible “moderatorship” here... From the office of Atty. Hugh Krakem This is to inform you that you are being sued...My plaintiff, Mr.Lewis J. Bundles is seeking damages from Mr. Kirk Smith and Bernard Hogya for their conspiratorial actions in denying Mr.Bundles his moderator position at EC.com... Court session will begin promptly on Mon. March 28 here at Eric Carmen.com... Kids, I may need to subpoena you for testimony... I may be calling some witnesses here to provide expert testimony... Please try to refrain from commenting on the case...I don’t want this thrown out of court on a technicality...
  23. 5 Reasons LEW will never be a moderator: 1. Nobody wearing a grass skirt has ever become a moderator. 2. We can’t have you screaming “TRIFECTA” every time there are 3 posts in a row. 3. Moderators have to maintain neutrality. James has you hypnotized. 4. LEWISA- (See ‘James’ above). 5. Can’t take the chance that anytime someone uses “sweet” in a post you’ll go off on a rant.
  24. Sorry for the tardiness of this LewsLetter, but it has taken me a couple of weeks to recover from exhaustion...You see, I was invited to the White House for the annual Cinco de Mayo celebration(as a columnist for the LewsLetter, I get a PRESS PASS for the event)...After the event was over, the big East Coast gasoline pipeline was sabatoged and with the resulting gasoline shortage, I had to walk back to Connecticut from Washington D.C...As an aside, if you believe that someone can sabotage the gas pipeline, but not voting booths, than you deserve Biden as your President... Anyway, on to the celebration...The President had a great time...He got into the spirit when he volunteered to be hoisted, naked, into a tree, suspended by a rope, and imitated a human piñata...As the Mexican children whacked his “dos pelotas” with sticks, Biden was laughing hysterically...After he was taken down, he was asked why he was laughing so hard, he replied that the joke was on the kids...”I knew no matter how hard they hit my fruit basket, no candy or toys were gonna come out of there”... Biden had such a great time that he thought that Cinco de Mayo should be a yearly event...When told that it already was, he suggested moving it to a Monday for a three day celebration...His staff explained to him that Cinco de Mayo meant “5th of May” and that is when the holiday was celebrated each year...Biden thought for a minute and said, “ why limit it to mayo”?...Why not Cinco de ketchup, Cinco de Coleslaw or Cinco de Dipstick” which threw everybody for a curve... Then Biden was brought inside where one of his staffers put up two photographs on his iPad... ”Mr. President, we may have a problem...Back in the 1980’s, there was a WWE wrestler called “Kamala”...His real name was Ed Harris...Our vice- president’s name is Kamala Harris...He may, in actuality, be her father...When shown the pictures, Biden asked “Which one is she?” After he was told which was the V.P., he asked what the problem was...His staff told him that the wrestler was born in Uganda and it may very well be that his daughter was born there too...No foreign born person can be Vice President, to which Biden explained, “No...we are ok...She was born in Jamaica”...When he was reminded that Jamaica was not part of the U.S., the Pres.asked “When did they move it”?...”Anyway, he continued,” Barack was born in Kenya...Americans can easily be deceived...” On the EC front, his comeback mentioned in last month’s newsletter is in full swing...Eric has realized that his backing of Pres. Trump has resulted in some career damage...He is setting out to change all that...He is going on tour and emphasizing that he would play anywhere that would have him and wanted the tour to be a “damage control” and “ politically correct” escapade.. Here are the tour stops... June 14th...Philadelphia Convention Center...Daughters of the American Revolution Yearly Festival... (Unfortunately, this concert may be cancelled for a number of reasons, mainly because there are no DAR members living...If there were, they would be 255 years old and yelling “turn it down”...Plus, they might have trouble getting their walkers through the metal detectors...) June 15th...Baltimore Arena...The National Lactose Intolerance Meeting...(Eric’s performance here may be in jeopardy because the lactose intolerance people are furious with the singer’s connection to Bernie(Got milk) Hogya... June 20th...San Francisco Cow Palace...The Association of Lesbian and Gay Dentists.....(This event is at a stalemate as the festival organizers insist that Eric use the house band instead of his trusty Overdubs..The LBGQT community wants their own band, a local act called “The Bi-Cuspids”... June 23...Milwaukee VFW...In honor of Polish War Heroes...(no tickets have been sold yet as the sponsors can’t think of anybody to honor...) June 25...New York City...Billed as a TRIBUTE TO LOVERS...All lovers are invited to attend...The security force will be on high alert that night as it has been brought to organizers attention that there are many different kinds of love...for example; the love between a man and a woman, a parent for their child, a man for his dog or between two head waiters... As of now, the only confirmed dates that are going on without a hitch... 3rd annual Ricketts convention, in Boston’s Fleet Center, June 26th... June 29th...Las Vegas...This will be a special concert to honor all deaf people...All patrons will wear earmuffs(in the same vein that blind people wear sunglasses) and Eric will perform with the use of hand puppets... Eric has agreed to let the convention organizers of these events have final say over his set list...But there are some issues... Eric has been instructed to change the lyrics to his song LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS”...The new lyrics must be “BLACK LIVES IS ALL THAT MATTERS”... MY GIRL must be changed to Guy/Girl... CHANGE OF HEART must be altered to CHANGE OF CLIMATE... ALL BY MYSELF will be reworded to ALL BI MYSELF And MARATHON MAN must be reworked as MARATHON INDIVIDUAL... We’ll let all of you know what develops... And how was your month...?
  25. A lot going on so let’s get right to it... One of the last times that we heard from Eric was that he was planning an Oct. 6th concert date at Severence Hall but his plans were derailed because Barbra Streisand was going to be doing a concert in town on the same date and EC feared that Babs, for a variety of reasons, would be a tough booking to go against... Well, Babs, concert date went off as scheduled as part of her “Pinocchio” tour...Problem is, Babs is still at that concert hall site, 13 years later...It seemed that every time she yelled out to the audience, “I love all of you”, her already large proboscis grew to such an inordinate state, that they haven’t been able to figure out a way to extract her huge schnozz out of the arena... Eric, after a long wait, decided to discontinue his plans...His tour, which revolved around his first new song in years “Brand New Year” will no longer take place...So Eric has sold the rights to this song to a Botox company who will produce a string of commercials with their new song, “Brand New Rear”... In other news, Kaitlin Jenner has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against Bruce Jenner, claiming that he fondled her when they were young... Did you watch the Golden Globe Awards the other night?...My favorite category/winner was the award for lead actor in a Comedy Series with the winner being Andrew Cuomo for his daily pandemic updates for the State of New York... Meanwhile, President Biden finally released his highly anticipated Covid-19 plan...At his weekly press conference, when asked by a reporter, if there would be enough vaccine for everybody, Biden replied, “We will have enough...Just today, I authorized the government to purchase 3 million more bottles of Visine...Everybody will be taken care of”...His wife pointed out to him that it was “vaccine”, not “Visine”...Biden’s response?...”with the Visine, we would be able to see the problem more clearly...” He reiterated that he will mandate everyone to wear a mask, some of our seedier population must wear two masks, one for each face and of course, two masks are mandatory for Siamese twins... And the most Important part of his effort to stop the virus dead in its tracks, Biden announced, “even though we will continue our open border policy on our southern border we share with Mexico, we will be very diligent in our screening policy...No Mexican will be allowed into this country without being tested for Corona and rest assured, we will confiscate every 30 pack, 12 pack, and every single bottle and can of Corona Beer until this virus is eradicated” Next month, we will, hopefully, feature an interview with the man who was Eric’s hairstylist through the years, Napoleon Blownaparte... And how was your month?
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