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Lew Bundles

JUNE LEWSLETTER

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Well, summer's here, (unless you live in New Zealand, Argentina, and parts of Cleveland) and if you are like me, you are ready to don your white spandex bathing suit, break out the Hawaaiin shirt and your black socks and sneakers and hit the beach...But did you gain weight over the winter and are a little uncomfortable in your attire?...Well I have composed the following list to let you know if you have become "calorically challenged" ...

 

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF ^YOU HAVE GAINED TOO MUCH WEIGHT

 

10.) You go to get a tatoo, fall asleep in the chair and wake up with the word "GOODYEAR" emblazoned across your chest from a branding iron...

 

9.) You go to a costume store to pick out a get-up for the party you've been invited to and the saleman suggests something in a "livestock"...

 

8.) You are about to get married and you have your wedding party dress up in waiter tuxedos and aprons in case you get an anxiety attack...

 

7.) You grab your daily newspaper and go to the "Dear Flabby" column first...

 

6.) You got to a meeting and people try to sit on your lap thinking that you're a bean bag chair...

 

5. )You catch your significant other holding onto the side of the bed when you get in...

 

4.) After making love, you partner reaches for a cigarette and YOU go to the front lawn to graze...

 

3.) After a wonderful dinner in a fancy restaurant, the waiter comes over and looks at you and asks , "How was everybody's meal?"...

 

2.) In the middle of the night, your partner gives you a kick in your gut and you wake up, startled, and ask "Was I snoring?"..."SNORING?, you were mooing!!!"

 

1.) Your friends quietly whisper that you might be the 1st person to hit 400 since Ted Williams and Kirstie Alley...

 

Well, Lew is here with some simple tips to get you looking so slim that you wont need to drive a car or take a plane to the next Raspberries concert, they will just be able to fax you over... 

 

All the tips are in my new book "The Bulk Stops Here"...

 

Because of you, the EC.Com faithful, I will offer the book at a discount rate of only 15 dollars or 10 "pounds"...

 

Here is just a few of the radical ideas included in my book to not only help you lose weight, but just plain look better too...

 

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Cut your hair short but keep it just long enough to hide your antlers...

 

Dont be foolish like Jack LaLaane and pull a boat with your teeth to celebrate your 80th birthday (He died a mere 18 years later)...

 

Dont check your weight every morning...Your gross tonnage will fluctuate day to day...

 

Just switching from a #2 lead pencil to a #3 will burn one extra calorie a day which will result in a loss of one pound every 5,280 days...

 

When you buy a new car instead of settling for the "NEW CAR" smell, go for the extra expense and get the vehicle's heater to smell like french fries...When you get hungry, just turn on the knob and "presto", your craving will be satified although, this could be particularly difficult in the summer when the temperature in the car will resemble the fryolater...

 

Try the "Weight GAIN" technique...This is more of a psychological ploy than anything...For instance, if you currently are overweight at 300 pounds or so, eat until you reach 350...Then cut back to your current weight and everyone will start complementing on how "great you look"...

 

Switch to a heavier spoon...(This is the same concept as the "lead pencil" scenario and it will make your arm look “hunky”...)

 

Do a sit-up today...And another one next month...You must start slowly: dont forget, you have let your body go to the extent that they need a spatula to wedge you through a doorway...

 

There you have it...Tips to make you look good and feel good too..

 

 

You dont need to buy a treadmill...unless you want to put your breakfast on it, flick on the switch, and have it come right over to you...

 

So, put on your favorite Beatles album, mine is Flabby Road and get started...Good luck and see all you Vic Tanny's next month...

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LC   

Lew, you have a future as a dietitian and training coach! I've got just the name for your business.... wait for it....

The Weight Lewser

Good? 

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James   

I keep hearing funny noises in my condominium. I finally did an extensive search, and found that the noises were originating from the rear area of my dog...and then when I went to put on some instant weight, I realized that my last box of frozen White Castle double cheeseburgers has gone missing! 

Hmmm........

TO BE CONTINUED..

 

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