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ira

"I've Had All I Can Stand 'Cause I Can't Stands No More"-Popeye

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ira   

Ya know as Dr. Ringo Von Starr so wisely said.. in life..."It Don't Come Easy"..

I've actually dropped a few friends...

I'll tell you why....

We all have friends who right now might be going thru something worse than we are.

Thus..it's appropriate for us to be proactive and call more often to ask them  how they're doing..

But ya know..if they NEVER contact us to ask us.." how are you"...that's not O.K.

One of the nice things about gettin' older...There's just some shit ya don't have to deal with anymore..."And That's Alright by Me Tonight"-B.Springsteen!

(BTW...This has NOtHING to do with anyone on this site..It's just something I think about...ALL relationships require some give and take...and we all have friends who forget that !)

 

 

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Hi Ira,

 Your post is so true, I feel for you! Sometimes people can be so thoughtless but call on YOU for help. Keep your chin up and hope you have a good day!

cynthiaalma :)

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James   

"Friends" have done similar stuff to me as what Ira mentioned.  It can hurt, but they are only communicating to me that they are not really a friend.  No sin there on their part. 

I accept and respect the message, excise them from my life, and move on.

James

 

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ira   

James..I'm with you...It doesn't hurt...It gets tiring...ya feel like a schmuck for having extended yourself...but it REALLY ain't that hard once you realize it...you do just move on.

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AnneNR   

So sorry for you Ira, here's hoping you can get past it......

I watched my mother go through something similar with one of her friends.  This friend has known my mom since I was fresh outta high school, both were employees in the same establishment. 

This friend helped my mother through many ups and downs, and my mother did the same for her for many years.  Both my mother and her are Christians, and had that strong faith in common.

However, a short time after I got married to my Matt in 2006 --- this friend's life became so cluttered with all her internal family drama, and increasing physical ailments in her body directly related to poor decisions in taking care of herself that she changed into a bitter, self-righteous, condescending holier-than-thou personality that she was just too toxic to be around any longer. 

My mother tried being understanding --- that just increased her whining mechanisms.  My mother tried praying with her --- which was grudgingly received with thin-lipped tolerance.   My mother tried making suggestions to help her with her health, her family traumas, tried to be uplifting and encouraging --- but it was evident that this friend's universe had collapsed inward on her so that she had no room to enjoy anything but being and feeling superior to everyone else in all the misery she was in. 

She wallowed in it rather than want it to change.  She became a know-it-all martyr, a woe-is-me person that no one could make feel better.   She had no room for sympathy, compassion or kindness for others.  Any problems or concerns my mother had in her life were deemed unimportant by this friend's standards of what constitutes "trials and tribulations".  My mother is not perfect, but she tried to hold her tongue for a long time from trying to point out how rude, bitter, unjust, condescending, and just plain miserable she was making anyone else around her feel.  The last visit my mother had with her friend was full of snide remarks to belittle anything my mother said, and a general attitude and looks being directed at my mother that were designed to make her feel like a lesser person than that friend.

As painful as it was to decide, my mother decided to stop seeing her best friend, who had turned into someone she didn't recognize anymore, and obviously my mother was not able to affect her positively any more, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY --- her best friend was DRAGGING HER DOWN WITH HER!!!  Continual melancholy with no respite can contaminate others to the point of affecting one's health, mental and physical.  This relationship was beginning to make my mother physically ill, and mentally angry, agitated, and feeling helpless all the time.

So phone calls were ignored.   Items borrowed were returned and placed on their doorstep when the friend and her husband were not at home.  Messages left on my mother's answering machine indicated the friend was perplexed at why my mother wasn't answering her phone calls.   She never figured it out.  The last phone message essentially said something like, "I don't know what is wrong or what I did, that you don't want to talk to me any more..."  and ended with a pitiful excuse for a begrudging "sorry" in the hopes it would get my mother's ears back to listen to her many levels of "woe-is-me".

Within this last year through other people who know this friend, I have learned her health has declined to the point of it possibly being necessary to put her into a care facility of some sort.  This breaks my heart, I remember her, she was my friend also, but once she got so toxic I couldn't be around her any more either.  I pray for her, but it doesn't look good.  This friend wouldn't allow anyone to speak life and health to her, and her life is now in decline.   You cannot help those who don't want help and a mutually nurturing relationship.

I am certain everyone has someone like this somewhere in their life to deal with, or end up not dealing with.  So, Ira, if the time has come for you to let someone go who insists on wallowing in pain, misery, or their world has collapsed to where they don't think to ask after how YOU are doing --- it has become all about them, then I say let them go.  It is not worth your health or mental well-being to be in constant turmoil, just pray for them, and let them go.

Be in peace about it, knowing you have done all you can do --- it takes two to maintain a healthy relationship.  God bless you with other good friends, Ira.  :)

AnneNR

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ira   

Mary Ellen...I always joke that rather than quoting bible or great philosophers...I quote the true geniuses like Ringo...("It Don't Come Easy") and of course....at the end of EVERY workday in the NYC public school system...the final bell would ring in my particular rock quarry...and my lips would softly quote Dr. F. Flintstone...

 

 

 

 

 

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James   

Ira, your posts are always worth reading, ...so many of your posts are clever and entertaining, .......as was the above Fred F. one. I laughed pretty hard.

Yabba Dabba Doo!!......says Ira at the end of the work day.

"To the Bat Poles"...says EC.Com´s Batman at the start of the day ( I LOVE Batman´s posts too)

VERY esoteric group we have here.  Seems I am the only normal one.

:blush2:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Batman   

Playing Devil's Advocate here, I have several friends , who, like myself, are very busy with jobs, career, family, etc. and many months can elapse before

we talk. But, as soon as I hear their voice, the connection is immediate and priceless. I had a friend go silent for almost a year and when I got to realizing that

I hadn't heard from them in quite a while, I took the initiative to call. Well, the list of troubles this poor soul was experiencing made me feel fortunate to be living my own life. This person made it a point to thank me for being concerned enough to call, and apologized to me for neglecting our friendship. Imagine if I had simply written-off this person as a "former friend"? Think before you act. Respond from a position of knowledge, not from a position of emotion. Your life will be better if you do this one thing.

Just because you don't hear from someone doesn't automatically weaken a real relationship. If you have a falling out with someone, then yes, the relationship will suffer.

But if there have been no formal misunderstandings, then don't assume things are bad. Just my take on this. I try to never burn a bridge unless a deadly enemy is approaching me with harmful intent over that bridge.

 

By the way, thanks for liking my posts, James. I like yours as well.. They are  logical, sensible, and well-thought out. Keep up the good work!

 

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ter2   

Well I just erased a 3 paragraph "therapy session" on my part! Good news for you all! My advice is that you have done what you can Ira - but, I agree with Batman, leave the door open, you never know. I wish a friend of mine had just given me a little more time at a hectic time in my life. ...however, we did not have a fight and maybe someday I will be brave and throw out an olive branch to her and we can pick up where we left off. It's taken me a long time to understand and not feel loss over some friends, but people change as well as our life circumstances. 

Terri

 

 

 

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ira   

So again...Now I  quote the great Jewish Prophet Neil Diamond...(who wrote this great Monkees tune)..

 Should I consider this piece of advice when evaluating relationships...:wacko:...?

 

 

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susie b   

Not counting my friends on this site....

I can count my TRULY good friends with my fingers.

 

My very best friends & I give each other VERY long leashes, but when one of us needs support, we are there, whether it be through

a phone call, text or email.

 

My best friends are spread all over the world...Korea, Norway, Nashville, Portland, California, Denmark & Ireland, so communication can be difficult.

Also, now that we are all of a certain age, family responsibilities take a precedence ...elderly parents, children & spouses.

I remember when my friend Lilly got married & had children...all of the sudden the late night phone calls that we had made for years no longer fit her lifestyle.

 

Solid friendships ebb & flow, much like a marriage.

The rest are acquaintances in your life for a period of time...then moving on as either a lesson or a blessing.

 

 

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Definitely good and thoughtful points from all.  Brother Ira, perhaps "a little bit me, a little bit you" in the instance you reference is the best way to look at things.  Don't let your feelings be hurt for too long by the misunderstanding you referenced.

Not everyone can get along as well as we two music geeks, right?  ?

 

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