.....middle of the road. It wasn´t Lew. The name of the deceased reported was "James" (yes, me!!) :-(
The report sent by the first responder upon arriving at the site of the skunk accident, stated that the first responder had only smelled that smell ONCE in her life,. It was at James´ house one morning, when she was "calling on James", (note to readers: it was the morning after a night of White Castle hamburger consumption). So she reported that James was the deceased, and that she "knew she´d never love that way again".
Anyway, so the world now thinks James has passed on to the next life. Only you guys here at ec.com know the truth.
This actually could be quite liberating for me. No responsibilities, nobody I need to keep in touch with, no harems to manage. I need to make lemonade out of this lemon I´ve been dealt. I´m thinking of living my dream, anonymously......... becoming a pirate, sailing the seven seas, living off the loot I steal, converting damsels in distress we kidnap, into gung ho pirate chicks. I´m feeling pretty inspired. This could be pretty great.
First I need to come up with a name. I´m thinking "Pirate James" would be pretty cool. Not sure what to name my ship, maybe "Lew´s Revenge", in honor of the guy who has lost out on a bunch of chicks to me because, well .....because I´m James, .....and he´s Lew.
We´ll carve up the world strategically. I´ll let the Somalia pirates have the Indian Ocean. The Panamanian taxi pirates can have Panamá. Pirate James will concentrate on the Atlantic, the Pacific and Shania Twain´s bathtub.
Sadly I won´t be able to bring my dog Cato. You see Cato runs my life, makes all "family" decisions etc. It will be dangerous for me personally to bring him. Problem is this: if one of my pirate ship mates tells Cato that in order to get a treat Cato must sign off on James walking the plank.....James is going to do some plank walking.
I´m also thinking about hiring a team of mermaids to escort Lew´s Revenge throughout the dangerous waters we will be wreaking havoc on. The mermaids will swim along side Lew´s Revenge during the day, and at night when we anchor, they´ll come aboard so they can receive their "pay" from James. Given Pirate James´ virility and experience running The James Harem, the mermaids will have no need to form a mermaid union, as they will be very well paid.
Ok, wow, this plan is really starting to come together!
Now I need to figure out who will be our chronicler....the person who will record our adventures for posterity, for future history books. I´m thinking Kirk is the man for this job. He´s got an incredible memory. Trust me, anything you´ve written on this site, that you´d prefer not to be reminded of, that you think everybody has forgotten about, you are wrong! Kirk will bring those words back to life!
And for my first mate? I was thinking about Lew Bundles, but there´s one problem. You see, there´s a tradition in the Pirate Industry that first mates possess a certain level of natural virility. They must be aggressive womanizers. Lew could fit the bill, except for the fact that because we will be sailing, we won´t have any need to carry jumper cables during our voyages. So that disqualifies Lew. Instead ´m thinking about contacting Señor Pepi Le Peau for the job.
Transforming myself into Pirate James will require robbing treasure chests (and women´s chests) from the victim ships we maraud. This part will be fun, and profitable, for sure. But my vision for Pirate James is as a peace and love type pirate. The shooting of cannons and stuff like that isn´t consistent with my peace and love instincts. But I do have an idea. I can live solely on White Castle Cheeseburgers, so when we approach a victim ship, I can do "my thing", and cause the first sail boat gas leak emergencies ever on the high seas, everybody will abandon the victim ship, and we´ll be free to maraud in peace.
(I´m on a problem solving roll).
But there´s one more thing I must figure out. All pirates have a land nest where they go to re-provision, drink 24 hours/ day and wreak overall havoc on the land citizens. This land nest must be dirty and kinda nasty so a pirate will feel at home. I´m thinking New Jersey would work. New Jersey is also close to rich areas like Connecticut and Long Island....to where we could make side trip raids every once in a while just for fun, kidnapping for ransom people like Lew Bundles and DianeD. Problem is nobody will miss them, so we´ll be stuck with them. But that´s a problem for tomorrow. I mustn´t catastrophize things this early in the game.
Anyway, I´m getting really fired up! I´m taking applications for pirate mates to work on Lew´s Revenge. Let me know if you are interested.
Rambling (soon to be Pirate) James